Here are some truths about me: i am a worrier; i want everyone to like me, i want to be accepted; i don’t like conflict and so i do whatever i can to maintain peace and neutrality among people. i am also a massive control freak; i try to micro manage all the time and find myself often trying to get the last word in. i am a very black and white thinker and i happened to be married to someone who lives in the “grey” area of the world which can be difficult as He likes to push buttons and limits and i worry constantly about veering from the straight and narrow.
Yet i recently admitted a secret that i have harbored since childhood; i am also a masochist. To say or write that aloud still shocks me; yet it is the absolute truth. Perhaps it is due to events during my childhood that have made me this way; i can’t be sure but the fact of the matter is i am at a point in my life where I have decided to accept and embrace this “quirk” about me. The idea of being tied up, spanked or whipped, being pushed out of my comfort zone (which at current is a VERY small zone) has long intrigued me. But being outside of societial norms was a huge concern for me and so even though the desire has been there i have pushed it away for fear of being different.
i have been fortunate to been in a relationship with Master for over fifteen years now; we have been married for twelve of them and He has been with me through “Better or Worse” and i have questioned many times why He continues to stay by my side or why He loves me. i often see the worst in myself and due to my insecurities find it difficult to see what good i could bring to Him. He is crazy smart, outgoing, adventurous, confident, cocky…the complete opposite of me. Wouldn’t it make sense that he would rather be with someone who shares the same traits?
Early in our dating relationship i stumbled upon BDSM; i don’t even remember how at this point; perhaps He does. All i know is that i was intrigued by the idea of being tied up, of being owned, serving the person i loved in whatever manner He felt fitting. But I worried that because it doesn’t fit within societal norms it wasn’t right to do and so we occasionally played with neckties tied to the ends of the bed but nothing serious; i was too afraid of what it would mean if i liked it.
Then we had children and my views on sex took an ever further downward turn. Unfortunately due to past experiences in my life i have long had a negative view on sex and my body and for a very long time i was really in a place where i could take it or leave it….mostly leave it. i didn’t want to feel this way, i kept trying to make myself want to like it, and once in the moment i did for the most part but i certainly didn’t go out of my way to seek it out. And to even think about venturing outside of the “vanilla” world was unheard of; i was a mother for goodness sakes!
Then this past summer, something changed. No it was NOT reading the 50 Shades of Grey Series thank you, while i did find a couple of scenes in the first book intriguing overall the whole thing was a train wreck and not even being in the BDSM world i knew it wasn’t an accurate portrayal of how a D/s relationship worked. It was the innocent talk Master and i had on during our very long drive home from vacation. i am a talker; it’s how i process and deal with my emotions. Master is not which has long been a point of contention with me; i often felt that i didn’t have that emotional connection to him because he didn’t talk about his feelings. But that night to keep him awake i told him to talk to me.
“What do you want me to talk about?”
“i don’t know, i’m always the one talking. You talk to me.”
“Okay, tell me something you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t because you are afraid to.”
What? What the hell kind of question is that? With Him, i don’t always know how to interpret things; He tends to throw sexual innuendos into even the most mundane of conversations so i wasn’t sure if that was what he was looking for. i still don’t; but i was going to play it safe and so i answered with something very shallow and said that there isn’t much i want to do that i am afraid of; it’s not like i want to go skydiving or swim with sharks or anything crazy like that (He would though; He’d be all over that!). But the question left me thinking; what about this idea of being submissive? What if i let my fears and need to control go and gave into what i really want what would it mean for me, for Him, for us?
So about a month ago or so i Googled submissive blogs and i read a few of them. Many that came up were definitely not what i was looking for and so i continued to search. But then i found a couple that really hit home with me. Married couples; some with children and jobs and all of the other stresses of daily life who had come to a point in their relationships where they really felt they wanted more that the “vanilla” life they were leading. i read, i went to the very beginning of their blogs and read all the way to the end; i went to blogs they were reading and suddenly i found myself not feeling that what i wanted was wrong. So i causally mentioned to Master that i had been reading and wondered what he thought about us possibly trying to incorporate BDSM into our life. I was pretty sure He’d be like, “um…yeah…right.”
Monday i was given my rules. Our journey is beginning.
-His little b