Pushing

i have found myself running a gamut of emotions the last few days since The Rules have been adjusted and begun to be implemented. I am also due to start my monthly bit of fun here in the next few days and so usually the week prior to it finds me an emotional, raging and insecure beast.  Throw on the fact that i am still wrapping my head around this new dynamic in our relationship and the fact that while i am excited about it (well, most of it) there is still a part of me that is freaking out and worried that the confidence i finally have in Master’s love for me will go out the window as i relinquish control to him.

As a result i have been feeling almost like a child; i have these new boundaries and expectations and my natural inclination is to test them and see if Master actually means what He says and is going to follow through on them.  A few times over the last few days i felt like he hadn’t and while part of me was thankful that i hadn’t received any punishment for my transgressions; part of me was slightly irked because i began to feel like maybe he really wasn’t on board with any of this and was only trying to appease me until the novelty wore off and i lost interest.  Logically i know that pushing the limits isn’t the right way to handle this situation; the mature thing would to be to ask Master to sit down and talk.  We’ve had some talks already in the last week about my worries and He was amazing reassuring me and showing me that even though our dynamic is shifting to a different place, i am still his wife, his lover and his equal.  And that should have been enough for me, but it wasn’t.

So yesterday afternoon was not going well for either one of us and i found myself once again feeling childish.  When i got home with our oldest daughter from her after school activity i found myself with nothing fast to make for dinner, a couple of wet towels that had been left on the laundry room floor and were now mildewing and not getting the answers i wanted from Master.  I was pissed and i decided right then and there i was NOT going to comply anymore; this was feeling like a game and i didn’t want to play it.  So i broke two rules by putting on non-approved clothing and undergarments and thought to myself “So there!”

Master came home with our youngest and i refused to talk to Him, in fact i sat at the other end of the dinner table with my arms crossed shooting daggers from my eyes.  The girls were making their lunches and He was cleaning up the kitchen and i sat…and sat.  Finally He put His arms around me and whispered, “I’m sorry”.  That should have been good enough for me and under normal, non-hormonal, circumstances it would have been; but this time it wasn’t. i told Him i didn’t care, i told Him i wasn’t going to do this anymore and that i never should have said anything about trying to incorporate D/s into our lives because He obviously didn’t want to and i should have just kept it to myself.  Then i went upstairs and cried on the bed.

He came up eventually and i expected Him to lay down with me and hug me like he usually does when i get like this.  Instead i heard a zipper and found him opening a suitcase. i panicked and asked Him what He was doing, “I’ll be back on the weekend.” He said.  So i ran into the closet to block him from getting in, i grabbed onto Him, to the clothes He had in His hand.  Then i did the only other thing i could think to do; i dropped into my submissive pose and sobbed and begged.

Interjection here-When i get upset and angry I push in hopes that He will push back because i have a very quick temper and Master is very even keeled which i both admire and hate at the same time.  Often i bait Him to see if He will react and i can only count on one hand the number of times He has.  i don’t know why i do this, i always have and i hate this about myself and yet i can’t seem to stop doing it.

He finally agreed to stay and told me to get control long enough to get the girls to bed.  i felt awful for pushing him this far; i have gotten so used to Him dealing with my crap that i expect it; i expect so much from Him in regards to being tolerant with me and yet i don’t do the same for Him and i was so overwhelmed with this feeling of guilt and anger with myself for treating the person i love with my whole heart this way.  So once the girls were in bed i placed myself without question on my knees next to the bed and laid my head on him.

“You’re not wearing your uniform.”

“i know, i am also wearing regular underwear.”

“I noticed.  you’re going to have to do a lot of work tonight to earn the right to sleep in the bed tonight.”

It sounds crazy but i was glad to hear Him say that; He was absolutely right i had no right to even think i deserved to sleep next to Him.  But it was at that moment that my last fears were soothed; He does care, He does want to do this and i want to do this for Him…with Him.  So i took my punishment; partially last night and the rest today.  i have a chain and lock that i am wearing around my waist as a symbolic collar for when i am out in public; ironically the lock says “Master” on it and it makes me smile every time i see it.  Usually it is loosely draped around my waist but this morning as Master put it on He made it tight enough that i can feel it constantly.  It has left red marks all the way around my waist, it is uncomfortable and i am aware of it no matter what.  But it is humbling, it is comforting and i accept my punishment for what it is.  He reminded me this morning when i sent him a picture of the marks that all day i will be focused on this pain and reminded that only He can take it away.  Master is kind, He loves me for all of my faults and i am so thankful to be owned by Him.

I will think twice before i decide to push again.

His little b

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One thought on “Pushing

  1. S says:

    Thank you. Reading this post has helped me figure out some issues I have had with my own D/s relationship.

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