Mind Reading

Master was gone again all last week and by Friday i was more than eager for Him to be home and for more than just needing to connect with Him physically. The girls were at an after school activity and His plane was due to arrive right before my day ended getting Him home right before i would be. We’d have about an hour to be together and i couldn’t wait.

But His plane was delayed and so i arrived home first. By the time He was home and my dad left we had only time for a quickie. And since then we’ve both been so tired, busy and i have been dealing with my monthly ball of joy that decided to put in its appearance late. The last two mornings i have had to remind Master to put my collar on before He left for work which today left me feeling frustrated and second guessing everything once again.

As i have been sitting here the last couple of hours i have been thinking about my feelings and normally i would be getting angrier and more upset by the fact that i don’t feel that our dynamic has shifted much at all other than the domestic chores that i have taken on. i want to sit at his feet while he works, i want Him to collar me because He wants me to remember my place and what the collar means, not because i have asked Him too and i want to submit to Him because i want Him to know how much it means to me, how much He means to me.

But i realize that i am also expecting Him to read my mind, to know exactly how i feel without me saying it. And maybe someday that will be possible, but for right now i expect too much and that is not fair. He is learning right along side me and as He often reminds me, the only way this will work is to communicate. So i texted Him earlier and asked if we could talk tonight. Honestly though, i think i am just wanting that chance to reconnect that i don’t feel like we really got this weekend, then maybe i will feel like He is really home and i will be able to take my place once more where i belong.

His little b

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The Seven Fundamentals of Being a Master

I came across this article on the fundamentals of being a Master. The article has some valid points although I disagree with several of the points such as having to attend a BDSM event.

You should not have to attend some gathering; but I do agree that you will get a good deal of value out of finding people you can learn from and talk with.

Reading, learning to use your tools/toys, and knowing what it means to be a master are all important. Finding the right mix of these fundamentals will be a personal choice.

Another good tool to learn how to be a master is learning a martial art. Instructors there will act like a D/s master in many ways.

Talking with your sub and becoming the master that is appropriate for both of you is the best way to set your own set of fundamentals.

Wild Thoughts

It is a rare instance that i have the house to myself; everyone is off doing their various things and i have a bit of time to enjoy.  He has been gone for a week and the aching that has been with me since then has reached a point that i can no longer bear.  i could easily call Him and ask for His permission to pleasure myself; He’d love nothing better to know that i am doing so.  But i am feeling feisty today and looking to maybe test a limit.  No one needs to know; He won’t be home for a while now; i can easily take care of it and get on with my day.

i go upstairs to the bedroom and rifle through the toybox until i find the dildo.  i remove my panties and skirt and settle myself on the bed.  At first i lay there playing with myself; rubbing my clit and then sticking a finger deep inside.  i think about Him there, touching me all over, using me as He wishes, whispering all that He wants to do to me.  My thoughts float to what He has done to me thus far and i find the ache growing; the need to let it go.

Slowly i fill myself with the dildo, a slow in and out as my desire builds; i can feel myself almost to the top then suddenly i hear a creak.  i whip around and find Him standing in the doorway; a small smile on His lips but it stops there.  His eyes are hard and His gaze is penetrating; i feel a knot form in my stomach as i try to gauge His reaction.  He comes over to the bed and takes the dildo from my hand, slowly shaking His head and saying, “Tsk, tsk, tsk.”

“Oh my, are you doing what i think you are doing?  Pleasuring yourself without my permission?  Again??  Well, i can see that you are just a dirty slut and it looks like i need to remind you once again that your pleasure, your body, your orgasms belong to me.”

i try to explain but His look stops me.  Silently He goes into the closet and gets out the toybox, i find myself being collared and then He brings out the blindfold.  As he slips it over my head He comes close and whispers, “Remember I love you but you must learn that you and all that you are belong to me.  I will not have you disobey me on this.”  and i am in darkness.

He cuffs my hand together and raises them above my head.  i am tied to the head of the bed.  He cuffs my ankles with the spreader bar and i feel him raise my legs into the air until i am completely exposed.  He ties the bar to the headboard as well so that my legs are bent but i cannot move.

i feel the weight on the bed shift; i hear him walk away and i try to figure out if He is still in the room or not.  After what seems like an eternity i feel something cold slide into me; i struggle to move away but i find i cannot go far and a solid smack with the riding crop stills me.  He has chilled the glass dildo and is now torturing me with it in a slow and methodical manner.  The contrast of the temperature is almost more than i can bear but i find my body betraying me as always and responding to the rhythmic in and out.  Quickly i find myself reaching the edge of release; i moan, i cry out, “Master, may i cum?”

He laughs, “Oh no, no, no my little slut. You needed to cum so badly that you were willing to defy my wishes; well i am going to teach you once and for all that you will not cum without my permission, when I decide you may.  Do you understand?”

i can’t answer, the agony is too great, i moan again and feel a sharp sting as the riding crop hits my ass.  “Answer me, do you understand?”

“Yes, Master”, i whisper.

I can hear Him chuckle softly to Himself. For a few moments longer He keeps me at the edge then suddenly i feel the cold glass gone and i hear the hum of the vibrator.  It takes its place inside of me and then i feel another hum as the small bullet is placed on my clit.  He rubs it around in a slow circle as the vibrator is moved in and out of me.  i am dying, i have to let go but He keeps reminding me in a calm voice that under no circumstance am i to cum; that i will be very sorry if i do.

For quite some time this goes on; i have no idea how long. Then i feel His hand move away leaving both objects in place, “Don’t move, do you hear me?”

“Yes, Master” i barely whisper.  i hear him walking around again and i hear the door open and close again.  i lay there in agony; i need to move, my legs are trembling, i long to fight against the restraints but i cannot.  After an eternity i hear the door open and close again.  He removes the vibrator and i feel Him move between my legs.  His hand is there sliding in and out of me.  “So wet, you are such a naughty girl aren’t you?  Always hungry for cock, always wanting to be fucked?”

I feel His mouth on my pussy, His tongue slides into me.  Instinctively i arch my back and begin to move but He holds me down.  “Oh no my love, my little whore, you aren’t going anywhere”.  And He fucks me with His tongue, sucks on my clit and brings me to the edge once more.  i moan and beg again but am met with only a, “No.”

My legs are untied but remain cuffed to the bar, my hand are untied but recuffed behind my back; i feel a warm dripping sensation on my ass, suddenly i feel something slide in as He works the beads in one by one, i arch again as He slides them in and out and rotates them as He works them deeper inside until finally they are all the way in.  I feel the vibrator slide back in and turned on.

He moves in front of me and i can feel His cock on my lips, “Open whore.” .  i open my mouth and feel His hard cock, i can taste the cum dripping off of Him.  I suck as He slides deep into my throat.  The sensations are too much and i am losing control.  Finally He removes the vibrator and moves into me.  i scream and beg again to be allowed to cum but now He says nothing.  He slams into me as hard as He can, over and over..pounding…pounding.  i am exhausted and sore now; but He is not finished and i am not sure how much longer i can bear this.

Finally i hear His voice say, “cum for me, cum my little whore.” and i explode; i can feel Him quicken his pace as i float away and He joins me, cumming deep inside of me.  After a moment He slows to a gentle stroking pace, i can no longer keep myself up.  I feel Him uncuff my hands and ankles and He rolls me onto my side into His arms.  The blindfold is removed and i find myself looking right into His eyes.  The smile is there now and He says, “is my little whore satisfied now?  Did she get the cock she needed?”

i nod, to exhausted to even whisper an answer.  i know again that my body belongs completely to Master, i’ve learned that lesson though part of me is glad to have been taught it and may be tempted to be retrained again someday.

Why i am My Master’s Toy

Master is out of town this week; i am missing Him like crazy and eagerly anticipating when i get to be back in His arms, at His feet and at His service.  In the mean time, He has given me several assignments to complete one of which is to write the above title post and explain why i want to be owned by Him.

The problem is, it’s not a question i can easily answer because quite honestly i don’t fully know why i want this.  i am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that something i have long since wanted and suppressed is now out in the open and being put into practice.  I expressed my feelings of ambivalence to Master Friday night and then over the weekend when we were without children i found myself getting what i wished for; to be able to spend an extended period of time in submissiveness without interruption.

And it was wonderful; i loved kneeling before him in my collar and heels while he ate lunch, i loved being on my knees, blindfolded and chained to the ceiling in the basement while He played with me as He pleased.  It made me feel loved, sexy, and happy because i knew He was enjoying it so much.

But then Sunday morning we hit a bump; He asked me to do something that i found myself refusing to do because it made me feel angry and as a result He was displeased, i continued to seethe and i then found myself face down on the bed, restrained and disciplined.  I have been disciplined a few times since we have moved into our roles and each time i felt glad to be reminded of my place.  But this time was different; i can’t explain it other than from my end because i was still feeling so angry where the other times i was accepting of the fact that i was in the wrong.  But as i lay there and He spanked me harder than i think He ever has and questioned me and talked to me i found myself once again listening hard to Him and one sentence made everything come clear to me.  The anger left my body and i once again found myself thankful for Him laying things out there in front of me and making me see the actual truth.  I found myself crying but no longer from the pain of being disciplined but for the comfort of Him being in control.  When all was said and done, i felt an overwhelming sense of love from Him and an even stronger desire to move into this role of submissiveness.

So why do i want to be owned; i guess because beyond the fact that He is challenging me to push my boundaries, He is taking me out of my comfort zone no matter the fact that i still try to drag my heels.  He is making me see truths i have tried to ignore, He is teaching me how to trust by requiring me to give up control over my body, heart and soul and He is giving me the love and attention i have so desperately wanted for so long.  The love has always been there; i just couldn’t see it before and now that i am being to allow myself to be who i am and being okay with it and knowing that He is right there alongside me i feel happier than i have in my entire life.  And if that isn’t a good reason to want to be owned; i don’t know what is.  I feel whole.

His toy, His little b

Moving Forward

It has been a few weeks since either of us has posted here; i blame the Holidays, illnesses and general exhaustion that have been front and center in our lives for the last few weeks.  With it though i have found myself feeling ambivalent towards my submissiveness and frustrated because i am not sure where to go to get to where i need to be.  i found myself awake for a good portion of the night/morning earlier in the week which is never good beyond the obvious reasons.  When i lie awake i begin to think…and question…and worry and coupled with lack of sleep i find myself full of doubt and unable to ease my fears.

i feel like i spend a lot of time thinking about this journey we have embarked on; i worry that i am becoming obsessed with the idea of D/s but i think the reason i am thinking about it so much is because i don’t feel like we are doing a whole lot of it beyond what happens in the bedroom (which isn’t always a bad thing).  To me, the whole reason i wanted to do this was to stop needing to control everything and to please Him because knowing i make him happy makes me feel better than anything in the whole world.

So by the time i was able to fall asleep i had gotten myself so worked up by the fact that i truly didn’t feel like i was being submissive enough but i didn’t feel like there was much expectation for me to be either.  Normally that would make me upset with Master, but this time i realized that if i want this to happen; i need to make it so.  And so that morning when my head was slightly clearer (though not much because three hours sleep total doesn’t help anyone think straight) i really thought about how thing really are.  We’ve only had the Rules in place for about a month and a good deal of them are being practiced regularly.  Master has been beyond exhausted as well as fighting a cold that our youngest lovingly shared with Him and so this feeling i’ve had of “He’s only doing this to humor you; he thinks your crazy” is really “Right now, He has a ton on His plate and you are not the only person He has to take care of so it is unreasonable for you to expect Him to be able to be Dominant 24/7”.  Mostly though, i need to remind myself that we are still finding our way; that the Rules can and will change as time goes on; that while things may not seem to be naturally occuring at present that over time; if we are both committed to this they will begin to just be a part of who we are.  So beyond learning to give up control, i need to learn patience, we are who we are, we are where we are and we are learning and we will get to where we need to be when we do.

So i resolve myself to give of myself to Master without question and to not expect more of him than he can give.  i just want us to continue to communicate, for him to hold me accountable for my actions and to just enjoy this journey together.

his little b