It has been a few weeks since either of us has posted here; i blame the Holidays, illnesses and general exhaustion that have been front and center in our lives for the last few weeks. With it though i have found myself feeling ambivalent towards my submissiveness and frustrated because i am not sure where to go to get to where i need to be. i found myself awake for a good portion of the night/morning earlier in the week which is never good beyond the obvious reasons. When i lie awake i begin to think…and question…and worry and coupled with lack of sleep i find myself full of doubt and unable to ease my fears.
i feel like i spend a lot of time thinking about this journey we have embarked on; i worry that i am becoming obsessed with the idea of D/s but i think the reason i am thinking about it so much is because i don’t feel like we are doing a whole lot of it beyond what happens in the bedroom (which isn’t always a bad thing). To me, the whole reason i wanted to do this was to stop needing to control everything and to please Him because knowing i make him happy makes me feel better than anything in the whole world.
So by the time i was able to fall asleep i had gotten myself so worked up by the fact that i truly didn’t feel like i was being submissive enough but i didn’t feel like there was much expectation for me to be either. Normally that would make me upset with Master, but this time i realized that if i want this to happen; i need to make it so. And so that morning when my head was slightly clearer (though not much because three hours sleep total doesn’t help anyone think straight) i really thought about how thing really are. We’ve only had the Rules in place for about a month and a good deal of them are being practiced regularly. Master has been beyond exhausted as well as fighting a cold that our youngest lovingly shared with Him and so this feeling i’ve had of “He’s only doing this to humor you; he thinks your crazy” is really “Right now, He has a ton on His plate and you are not the only person He has to take care of so it is unreasonable for you to expect Him to be able to be Dominant 24/7”. Mostly though, i need to remind myself that we are still finding our way; that the Rules can and will change as time goes on; that while things may not seem to be naturally occuring at present that over time; if we are both committed to this they will begin to just be a part of who we are. So beyond learning to give up control, i need to learn patience, we are who we are, we are where we are and we are learning and we will get to where we need to be when we do.
So i resolve myself to give of myself to Master without question and to not expect more of him than he can give. i just want us to continue to communicate, for him to hold me accountable for my actions and to just enjoy this journey together.
his little b