Master is out of town this week; i am missing Him like crazy and eagerly anticipating when i get to be back in His arms, at His feet and at His service. In the mean time, He has given me several assignments to complete one of which is to write the above title post and explain why i want to be owned by Him.
The problem is, it’s not a question i can easily answer because quite honestly i don’t fully know why i want this. i am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that something i have long since wanted and suppressed is now out in the open and being put into practice. I expressed my feelings of ambivalence to Master Friday night and then over the weekend when we were without children i found myself getting what i wished for; to be able to spend an extended period of time in submissiveness without interruption.
And it was wonderful; i loved kneeling before him in my collar and heels while he ate lunch, i loved being on my knees, blindfolded and chained to the ceiling in the basement while He played with me as He pleased. It made me feel loved, sexy, and happy because i knew He was enjoying it so much.
But then Sunday morning we hit a bump; He asked me to do something that i found myself refusing to do because it made me feel angry and as a result He was displeased, i continued to seethe and i then found myself face down on the bed, restrained and disciplined. I have been disciplined a few times since we have moved into our roles and each time i felt glad to be reminded of my place. But this time was different; i can’t explain it other than from my end because i was still feeling so angry where the other times i was accepting of the fact that i was in the wrong. But as i lay there and He spanked me harder than i think He ever has and questioned me and talked to me i found myself once again listening hard to Him and one sentence made everything come clear to me. The anger left my body and i once again found myself thankful for Him laying things out there in front of me and making me see the actual truth. I found myself crying but no longer from the pain of being disciplined but for the comfort of Him being in control. When all was said and done, i felt an overwhelming sense of love from Him and an even stronger desire to move into this role of submissiveness.
So why do i want to be owned; i guess because beyond the fact that He is challenging me to push my boundaries, He is taking me out of my comfort zone no matter the fact that i still try to drag my heels. He is making me see truths i have tried to ignore, He is teaching me how to trust by requiring me to give up control over my body, heart and soul and He is giving me the love and attention i have so desperately wanted for so long. The love has always been there; i just couldn’t see it before and now that i am being to allow myself to be who i am and being okay with it and knowing that He is right there alongside me i feel happier than i have in my entire life. And if that isn’t a good reason to want to be owned; i don’t know what is. I feel whole.
His toy, His little b