Have no doubt that though i may not show it always; i trust in you Master completely. i have shared with you some of my darkest desires and You have shown me nothing but love and the wish to lead me to the farthest reaches of my comfort. i am slowly becoming more at ease with where we are; i am learning not to need to question; i am learning not to doubt because each time i start to; You show me again who is in charge and remind me that without trust we have no relationship.
So though i may pull away; though i may question, though i may tense it is not because i don’t trust You. It is simply because i am still learning to give up the control that has been so much a part of me for all these years.
Thank you for the love You give to me, the boundaries i need, the patience to remind me where i belong. It is because of this i trust fully in You.
His little b
Since Master and i have started working towards moving into our new roles we have also been searching for the right collar for me to wear when we are not alone. We started out with a length of chain that i would wear around my waist and He would fasten with a small lock (that said “Master” on it; i always loved that irony). It could be adjusted as He saw fit, some days it would hand loosely around me though I would still know it was there but on other days when He felt the need to remind me of where my place was i would find it fastened quite snugly and by day’s end it would have left painful red welts in its place. Honestly no matter which way i wore it i found comfort in its presence, i felt uneasy and unsure of our relationship when i didn’t have it on.
But it also posed a lot of challenges for us; namely our daughters who asked on several occasions why i had a chain around my waist. It also makes it challenging to wear tighter fitting clothing (which Master likes me to do much to my chagrin), under a swim suit and it was somewhat irritating when i run. So we began looking for an alternate collar that would pose fewer questions and issues.
The problem is that i am very private about our life in this regard; Master insists that there are probably more of our friends that dabble in a kinkier lifestyle than i think. But to me; at least at this stage in our developing relationship i don’t feel comfortable with others knowing about what we do. Not because i am embarassed; in fact if nothing else i am worried that Master is holding back because He has some sort of fear of hurting me. The thing is, i don’t want Him to hold back. i want to be held accountable, i want to be disciplined when i have done wrong; i want to please Him. But the world is a very judgmental place and i don’t feel like having to justify our relationship nor do i want to make those near and dear to us uncomfortable and so i wish to be subtle and discreet when we are not alone.
Anyway, i digress. Master looked at several different types of collars; most He found were not at all discreet or subtle and so i felt that they would raise too many questions do to my conservative nature. He finally found a simple steel one that we both thought looked pretty and fit our requirements. Unfortunately, once it arrived we discovered it was not what we thought it would be (or at least not what i thought it would be). It was very heavy and while i did like that about it, i could definitely feel its presence and it was comforting; it wasn’t very pretty which was something i really wanted plus i wouldn’t be able to wear it while running, or exercising and it would have looked awkward with most of my clothes. So it was returned and the search resumed.
Then one day about a week and a half ago Master texted me and said He had decided on a collar for me to wear. I clicked on the link and while i thought it nice enough i wasn’t sure i was going to like it; but i realized that it wasn’t going to be my decision to make. i couldn’t have been happier; He was asserting His dominance over me and it wasn’t my place to question; i just silently hoped that i would like it.
When we arrived back from our quick trip out of town this weekend it was waiting for Him. i was worried that i would be disappointed again but as soon as i saw it i was pleased. It is a silver and lilac chain intertwined that fits perfectly around my neck in a choker fashion, it’s not too heavy but i can feel its presence and yesterday i ran with it on and it caused me no problems. The only thing i was disappointed in was that it doesn’t lock, it has a lock and key closure but they are purely decorative so if i wanted to i would be able to remove it myself. i wouldn’t do that though, it’s not my place to remove my collar; only Master has that right and i honor that just as i honor Him.
i do miss my chain around my waist; i am hoping that it puts in an appearance every once in a while. i am also hoping that with my collar firmly in place Master will begin to lead me to where He wants me to go and that i can now submit to Him more fully and feel more secure that i belong to Him in every way.