Lately i have found myself not really in the place i want to or need to be in; a lot of that has been due to exhaustion and a nagging disc bulge in my neck that i am trying to baby for the next two weeks until my race is over. Part of it has been due to the fact that my role as a submissive hasn’t been consistently enforced of late and it was causing me a good deal of frustration to figure out where i needed to be and beginning to push again to see if Master would put me back there.
He did, of course as He posted yesterday. The updates to the Rules (we’re now on Version 4.0) have made me feel a bit better as it has been spelled out quite clearly to me what Master wants of me. This morning was the first that i had to be up and ready for work in over a week and also make sure Master’s needs were taken care of; i fought against the urge to turn of the alarm and go back to sleep…mostly because my ass needed a breather 🙂 so i began my morning routine and found myself happy to be where i was supposed to be.
But i want to figure out how to keep myself where i need to be when i need to be. i am constantly worrying about things; most of the time it is making sure i am taking care of everything and everyone i need to (and between family and work there is a lot) and so there are times when i am not fully present on what i need to be. Master wrote a few weeks back about the challenge of not having others to share our questions and experiences with. He’d probably be fine going to a meetup group and talking face to face with others who share our similar relationship dynamic but i am completely not…not at this point. i am already uncomfortable around strangers and very shy but add to the fact that i am also very private about what goes on between us (not because i am in anyway ashamed; quite the opposite. i love the fact that we have begun to explore this side of us; it feels wonderful not to hide behind what i thought was wrong) and the thought of speaking face to face with others about it makes me cringe. Even the thought of posting on the walls of the blogs that i read frequently makes me uncomfortable and yet i know to talk to others that have been where we have been and can maybe shed some light and wisdom on moving into a D/s relationship while balancing a family and life would be so beneficial.
Maybe someday i’ll move out from behind the curtain…
his little b