Saturday night Master had taken our oldest child and a friend to an egg hunt. While He was there i received a text asking me to list five things that i wish He would do or that He does do that i like as a Dom. At first i was confused by the question but He clarified for me saying He felt like He wasn’t achieving what i hoped He would as my Master and though that by having some ideas from me He could better meet my needs and wishes,
i was a bit taken a back as i am the one who feels i have not been living up to His expectations and meeting His needs as of late. As i mentioned last week; once i recieved the updated list of rules and expectations i felt myself fitting better into the submissive role that i have wanted to. But what are my expectations of Him and of our relationship? At that moment i didn’t have an answer; i feel that wherever He takes me; or us as the case may be for the most part i am happy and eager to try. There are things that i am still trying to control that i don’t want to; there are things that we have tried or that i know that He wants to that i am still fearful of and i really want to move past that as i know that is a big part of all of this; moving beyond fears, pre-conceived notions and moving out of comfort zones.
So i’ve tucked His question away in my head and when i’ve had free moments i’ve thought about it and i think i can answer a bit better now. Some of what i want to see happen won’t be able to until i can stay home full time and we discussed that the other night; i want to be the one responsible for taking care of our home and of our family and i want him to truly be the HOH. But a lot of it can begin to happen right now and hopefully it will. i am happy with where we are trying to go now; a lot of my uncertainty as far as whether or not He wants this change too has been eased and now we can focus on the question “How far?”.
The things that He does as Master that i love already:
1)i like having the clear set of rules; i like them being spelled out in detail so that there is no question as to what He wants and expects from me.
2)i like when He reminds me that He is in charge; be it through physical contact when He grabs a handful of hair and brings me to my knees or a quiet whisper in my ear that He will do what He wants, when He wants, where He wants and i will be okay with it. Even thinking about it now as i type makes my stomach flutter.
3)I like that He pushes me to try something even when i am afraid such as trying wax play last night. The first time was such a bad experience that i am still fearful of it but He insisted that i give it one try and while part of me feels bad that i controlled where he applied it and i think now i should have just gone ahead and trusted Him to place it where He wanted . i also appreciate that He recognized my fear and was gentle with me.
3)i appreciate when He gives me tasks such as this; because not only does it let me know that He is thinking about our relationship and trying hard to step into his role; it helps me to step into mine and really think about all of it and of us.
What I would like to see Him do more of:
1) i think the biggest thing is to make sure He follows through on His expectations and hold me accountable for my actions. We did talk about this as well the other night and while i recognize that i am an adult and such be responsible for how i behave and whether or not i abide by the set of rules that i have been given I also know that as we are both learning i am going to make mistakes or push and i want to know that He will make sure i remember where my place is.
2)i do expect Him to be patient with me (which He already is; i marvel time and again how he puts up with me especially when i am in one of my insecure self doubting phases such as i have been for the last few months). But because i am learning to fully trust Him and allow Him to take control of my life i find myself still dragging my heels some and i want Him to pull me through it but understand what a big step this is for me. i think He knows.
3)i want Him to be physical; i want to be tied up, i want to feel pain, i want to know what it’s like to have to put my full trust in His hands and not be able to question or argue His choices.
4)Above all else; i expect Him to be honest about this. i want to know if my demands on Him are too great; if He feels like He is giving more that He is getting back and if this aspect of our relationship is not what He really wants it to be. I feel like He has communicated more openly with me in the last two weeks than He has probably in most of our 16 year relationship and i want that to continue. It helps me to be able to let go and give everything over to Him.
It’s a lot to ask of Him; but i trust that He will take it to heart; we will talk and we will continue to grow together!
his little b