Trying to find where my heart lays

i’m still searching for the spark; the thing that moved us towards this path in the fall; the emotions i had, the desire, the thrill.  i can’t seem to find it try though i might and it is making me angry with myself because i am the one who put this out there; i am the one who wanted this so much and now i am the one who is struggling to find my way back to where i was in the beginning.

i don’t think it is that the novelty has worn off; first of all we didn’t really have the chance to explore this path deeply enough so i guess we are still in a honeymoon phase but i can remember the tingle i would get when Master would text me an order or the thrill i would get when i knelt by His side or felt the sting of a spanking.  i miss that; i want that; i don’t know how to say it out loud.  i am back to feeling as though this isn’t okay and feeling afraid to embrace my desires, my kinkiness and not because He makes me feel that way.  Quite the opposite; He wants this too…i just have to find my way back to where i was and push through.

The problem is that this feeling of confusion, longing, whatever doesn’t just apply to our relationship but right now i seem to be in a funk on a whole.  Life is everything i could ever hope for and i have moments of happiness but overall something is off and i can’t put my finger on it and that bothers me.  Hopefully Master continues to be patient, loving and supportive as i try to find my way back to the place i want to be…

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