The last two days have been rough emotionally; while i was still trying to recover from Day 6 I had to face yesterday’s task which scared me for several reasons.
Day 7:Spend the night in the dog cage; no playtime for a week as punishment.
We have talked about incorporating the dog cage we have into our relationship and i didn’t object to it. i had some concerns with it though; they weren’t enough to make me refuse because i feel like even if it’s something i don’t like i need to try it because part of our relationship is pushing boundaries. One of the issues was having to sleep alone knowing Master was in the room with me but not being able to touch Him during the night. When i have trouble sleeping i find that being able to reach over and have a hand or leg up against Him helps me relax and fall back asleep. The biggest issue though was the fact that i am terribly claustrophobic; I literally have to be sedated just to have an MRI and even though the cage is wire and I can see out and breathe the closeness of the space is enough to cause panic.
Master understood my concern and decided i would start out in the cage for a couple of hours and see what happened. He closed the door but did not latch it and was kind enough to lay on the floor next to me and turn on a silly movie to help me relax.
It didn’t work; i tried so hard not to panic but not being able to sit up all the way or stretch my legs out made things difficult. At one point Master went up to the bed because He thought i had fallen asleep; when He turned off the light i freaked out because i felt completely isolated. He made me come out and come into bed; i slept some but i woke up several times in a panic because i forgot i was in bed.
We talked about it this morning; i asked Him if He though it was something He would want me to try again and what His ultimate goal is for using it (punishment versus play) was. As a punishment it would definitely be effective because i would do whatever i had to to avoid going in. He asked me if i thought it was worth working through my fears to do it again. In a way i do because my claustrophobia doesn’t just stop here; it prevents me from doing other things where small enclosed spaces are involved that i want to do. Here i can get used to the idea and still be aware of my surroundings; i just think it has to be a gradual introduction. Master decided we would try it again but during a time where i am not tired and probably when i am not emotionally drained and then for short periods of time. i am okay with that…i think…
Between the last two days i am feeling discouraged; i feel as though i am failing at my tasks and while failure also promotes success because i learn from the experience right now it has me questioning my ability to move out of my comfort zone and fully submit to Master.
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