Sixty Days of Submission-Day 19 and some soul searching.

A few years ago when i brought up the idea of shifting our relationship to one that is D/s in nature one of the driving desires behind it was to help me learn to give up my constant need to control every aspect of my life and to an extent; those around me.  i am a control freak; i know i have said this before. i crave routine, predictability, i like things to be exactly as I expect them to be and i get very frustrated and upset if things don’t follow my plans.  It has taken me a very long time to realize that by acting this way my unhappiness was not actually from things not going according to my plans but rather the fact that I didn’t allow myself to enjoy the journeys and unexpected joys that can come from plans going a different way.

As we have stated previously, this journey into D/s has not gone the way either of us had planned it to.  We have had to begin again several times, we have had to adjust and recreate rules and expectations and we have both had to make allowances for each other when our lives didn’t allow us to be where we wanted to be.  That part has been fine for me (other than my frustration with myself and my body when I wasn’t able to submit as fully as my heart wanted to) in fact it has probably been what has helped me realize that life cannot be planned out ahead of time; we can have ideas and work to the best of our ability to reach our goals but it’s not going to come quickly and it is not going to happen easily.

When Master presented me with the challenge of Sixty Days of Submission i was excited to get started; to me it was a true sign that we were both embracing this shift and while there were tasks on the list that i wasn’t thrilled about i was still open to giving them a try…i thought.

Then i would get to a day that presented me with one of those tasks i didn’t want to do and suddenly i found myself trying to decide whether it would be better to just take the punishment rather than do the task or if i could somehow convince Master to adjust things for my comfort.  If you have been reading along over the last two and a half weeks you know I have failed several times already, some we have had to adjust due to life but others were modified because i requested them to be and Master being the kind person he is allowed for that.

Yesterday’s task was the second one that i have had so far that i have not looked forward to.  It was to suck Master’s cock until he came and then swallow and thank him for the gift that he gave me; if i failed to do so i would have to watch him masturbate to porn.

Ironically, learning to swallow cum was on my list of personal goals for the year.  i love to suck his cock but I have a strong gag reflex and i have only been able to do this once in the seventeen years we have been together and it didn’t end well.  When i put it on my list of goals my thought was that it would be a gradual process, perhaps getting him to the point of cuming and letting it go on my lips, then eventually in my mouth but not swallowing and then at some point being able to swallow.  i figured it would be a yearlong “let’s try it and see what happens” kind of thing but as Master said yesterday, “It’s not really a gradual process”.  i was faced with a dilemma here; I knew that i didn’t want the punishment because ihave issues with porn (i will save that for another post) and i knew that having to sit and watch that would be probably as bad as having to be in the dog cage for me.  So i tried to get Master to let me just go with cuming in my mouth but being able to spit it out.  He agreed and all seemed okay.

Until later in the day when i was having my meditation time; it was right then that i realized that i was doing exactly what i didn’t want to be doing and that was controlling the situation.  i know that being submissive doesn’t mean being a doormat, i know that there is room for discussion, but it really hit me that this is one of those instances where A)i am having to move out of my comfort zone and that is what i wanted and B)This isn’t about me, the point of all of this, the thing i wanted to get out of this was to put Master’s needs before my own and to please him.  By changing the situation i am pleasing ME not HIM.

And so i sent him a text saying that i wanted to go ahead and do the task as written because it was the right way to do it. Then life got in the way and it wasn’t until later in the evening that we would have had a chance to complete the task.  But as we were getting ready to shower, Master was taking care of something in our bathroom; something minor but something that would have been done a lot faster had i helped.  But it wasn’t really in my mind; it didn’t seem like that big of a deal until he said something at which point I got sassy and joked about my helping making such a big deal.  No biggie until he said half-jokingly, “You don’t have a submissive bone in your body”.

Ouch.

Here’s the thing; part of me knew he was joking but that little voice of doubt that I keep trying to push away came back.  Maybe i wasn’t doing as good of a job submitting as i thought i was, i thought i had been doing a better job of making sure his needs were met.  But did he say that because it was truly how he felt? Did he not know how happy and at peace i have been over the last few years, even more so over the last several months because I finally feel like i am becoming the person i have wanted to be for so long? That finally i realize that my kinky and submissive desires are not a bad thing but ones that have made me feel more connected and loved than I have ever felt before?

What it gets down to is that stupid need for control.  Giving up control allows for submission, being in a place of submission allows you to see things that need to be attended to without being asked. My unsettled feeling about trying to control yesterday led to me being more defensive about something minor last night but if i were more submissive i would have stepped in and helped without being asked. Maybe he’s right; maybe i don’t have a submissive bone in my body.  If I don’t have one now; i want to…i’ve always wanted to and i want him to be the one to guide me to that place.  Needless to say; yesterday’s task was not completed and so I have a punishment to serve.  Yesterday i would have tried to debate this; I would have said that due to the way the day ended i didn’t have the chance to complete it.  But today; i accept my punishment and know that while it will pain me to do so it will help me get that much closer to where i want to be. i am humbled and at peace this morning.

His little b

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One thought on “Sixty Days of Submission-Day 19 and some soul searching.

  1. I could of wrote this post.. Except my husband doesn’t want me to be submissive to him. My husband tells me he doesn’t think I can be submissive… I think I could if he wanted me to, but so far he doesn’t want me to. I keep hoping he changes his mind.

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