Quiet days and Glow Bracelets

Due to some activities outside the home, the last few days have been very quiet. My pet’s assignments for these few days have been on the easy side leaving her the energy and strength to face the challenge she had yesterday (which was not related to our D/s efforts.

However, I pulled out some history. If you check out this page you will see a photo that inspired one night’s activities a few years ago.

We recreated a “bondage” scene using glow bracelets.

Here is the result of that night:

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Recently I came across those photos again and edited this one up a bit:

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Glow bracelets can be a fun way to play. They, by themselves, do not form a strong bond but you could modify that with some glue and use them like rope (avoid getting glue on anyone).

You can also break them open and get the phosphorescent color all over your bodies (remember to avoid the mouth, eyes, and any parts that might go inside someone).

Now go… Enjoy!

-Sir

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Sixty Days of Submission-Day 19 and some soul searching.

A few years ago when i brought up the idea of shifting our relationship to one that is D/s in nature one of the driving desires behind it was to help me learn to give up my constant need to control every aspect of my life and to an extent; those around me.  i am a control freak; i know i have said this before. i crave routine, predictability, i like things to be exactly as I expect them to be and i get very frustrated and upset if things don’t follow my plans.  It has taken me a very long time to realize that by acting this way my unhappiness was not actually from things not going according to my plans but rather the fact that I didn’t allow myself to enjoy the journeys and unexpected joys that can come from plans going a different way.

As we have stated previously, this journey into D/s has not gone the way either of us had planned it to.  We have had to begin again several times, we have had to adjust and recreate rules and expectations and we have both had to make allowances for each other when our lives didn’t allow us to be where we wanted to be.  That part has been fine for me (other than my frustration with myself and my body when I wasn’t able to submit as fully as my heart wanted to) in fact it has probably been what has helped me realize that life cannot be planned out ahead of time; we can have ideas and work to the best of our ability to reach our goals but it’s not going to come quickly and it is not going to happen easily.

When Master presented me with the challenge of Sixty Days of Submission i was excited to get started; to me it was a true sign that we were both embracing this shift and while there were tasks on the list that i wasn’t thrilled about i was still open to giving them a try…i thought.

Then i would get to a day that presented me with one of those tasks i didn’t want to do and suddenly i found myself trying to decide whether it would be better to just take the punishment rather than do the task or if i could somehow convince Master to adjust things for my comfort.  If you have been reading along over the last two and a half weeks you know I have failed several times already, some we have had to adjust due to life but others were modified because i requested them to be and Master being the kind person he is allowed for that.

Yesterday’s task was the second one that i have had so far that i have not looked forward to.  It was to suck Master’s cock until he came and then swallow and thank him for the gift that he gave me; if i failed to do so i would have to watch him masturbate to porn.

Ironically, learning to swallow cum was on my list of personal goals for the year.  i love to suck his cock but I have a strong gag reflex and i have only been able to do this once in the seventeen years we have been together and it didn’t end well.  When i put it on my list of goals my thought was that it would be a gradual process, perhaps getting him to the point of cuming and letting it go on my lips, then eventually in my mouth but not swallowing and then at some point being able to swallow.  i figured it would be a yearlong “let’s try it and see what happens” kind of thing but as Master said yesterday, “It’s not really a gradual process”.  i was faced with a dilemma here; I knew that i didn’t want the punishment because ihave issues with porn (i will save that for another post) and i knew that having to sit and watch that would be probably as bad as having to be in the dog cage for me.  So i tried to get Master to let me just go with cuming in my mouth but being able to spit it out.  He agreed and all seemed okay.

Until later in the day when i was having my meditation time; it was right then that i realized that i was doing exactly what i didn’t want to be doing and that was controlling the situation.  i know that being submissive doesn’t mean being a doormat, i know that there is room for discussion, but it really hit me that this is one of those instances where A)i am having to move out of my comfort zone and that is what i wanted and B)This isn’t about me, the point of all of this, the thing i wanted to get out of this was to put Master’s needs before my own and to please him.  By changing the situation i am pleasing ME not HIM.

And so i sent him a text saying that i wanted to go ahead and do the task as written because it was the right way to do it. Then life got in the way and it wasn’t until later in the evening that we would have had a chance to complete the task.  But as we were getting ready to shower, Master was taking care of something in our bathroom; something minor but something that would have been done a lot faster had i helped.  But it wasn’t really in my mind; it didn’t seem like that big of a deal until he said something at which point I got sassy and joked about my helping making such a big deal.  No biggie until he said half-jokingly, “You don’t have a submissive bone in your body”.

Ouch.

Here’s the thing; part of me knew he was joking but that little voice of doubt that I keep trying to push away came back.  Maybe i wasn’t doing as good of a job submitting as i thought i was, i thought i had been doing a better job of making sure his needs were met.  But did he say that because it was truly how he felt? Did he not know how happy and at peace i have been over the last few years, even more so over the last several months because I finally feel like i am becoming the person i have wanted to be for so long? That finally i realize that my kinky and submissive desires are not a bad thing but ones that have made me feel more connected and loved than I have ever felt before?

What it gets down to is that stupid need for control.  Giving up control allows for submission, being in a place of submission allows you to see things that need to be attended to without being asked. My unsettled feeling about trying to control yesterday led to me being more defensive about something minor last night but if i were more submissive i would have stepped in and helped without being asked. Maybe he’s right; maybe i don’t have a submissive bone in my body.  If I don’t have one now; i want to…i’ve always wanted to and i want him to be the one to guide me to that place.  Needless to say; yesterday’s task was not completed and so I have a punishment to serve.  Yesterday i would have tried to debate this; I would have said that due to the way the day ended i didn’t have the chance to complete it.  But today; i accept my punishment and know that while it will pain me to do so it will help me get that much closer to where i want to be. i am humbled and at peace this morning.

His little b

Sixty Days of Submission-Days 15, 16 and 17

i have gone and let several days slip by without posting again; good thing that is not on of Master’s tasks for me or i would probably be writing this with a stinging derriere. 😉

Day 15 has not actually been completed; the task was to bathe Master in the tub and then suck and ride his cock until he came; failure to do so would result in me not being allowed to shower and wash him for three days (this is one of my favorite things to do for him).  However, Master was quite exhausted the night that this was supposed to occur and so we have not yet had a chance to catch up.  i am hoping tonight will give us a chance.

Day 16 was to begin to spend ten minutes each day meditating on my submission and how i feel about it, how things are going and if there is anything Master can do to help me be successful.  Failure to do so results in twenty minutes spent sitting on the time out stool to complete the time.

i will just say that twenty minutes sitting on a hard wooden stool is very, very, very, boring.

i should have been able to find ten minutes yesterday even though the children were home with me but i didn’t so while Master was downstairs getting things ready for us to play i sat in the middle of our bedroom alone and thinking. i felt more silly than submissive so i am wondering if perhaps finding a more submissive position to be in while meditating might not help me out a bit more.

Day 17-Every weekday at 7:15 i am to have breakfast on the table; what i make to eat is my decision but failure to have it ready results in Master making his own meal and i will sit at his feet while he eats. i have already gotten into the habit of making sure he has something to eat before heading out to work (again, i enjoy doing this for him) though having it on the table by 7:15 is going to take a little work.  i am NOT a morning person and although our oldest has to be downstairs eating by 7 in order for her to make the bus on time i am usually still half asleep at the table so i guess i am going to have to start pushing myself to get up and moving…although i am not opposed to sitting at Master’s feet while he eats.

His little b

Why Do We Seek Labels?

This article is right on the money. People look for labels at the same time calming to be free spirits or open-minded.

10 Cities/10 Years

It’s almost a daily occurrence now. On Facebook or Twitter, in an article or mind-numbing listicle, someone is discussing the traits, burdens and/or pleasures of being an introvert. Based on the unscientific sampling of my personal feed, 90% of the narcissistic self-promoters in the world are actually meek and shy introverts.

When us loners aren’t breathlessly talking about how weird it is that we prefer books to people (haha, I’m soooo crazy!), we’re posting the results of a Briggs Myers personality test (or some generic knockoff).

“I’m totally an INFP.”

“Well, I’m an ENFJ.”

“Oh, I could definitely see that. I guess that’s because I’m an ENTP.”

“I kind of figured all of you were CUNTs.”

And when we get bored with scientific classifications that mostly mean nothing, we fall back on the original sugar pill of personality labels: The Zodiac.

What’s Your Sign?

How is it that a…

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Submissive Rules – Still #1

It is funny to watch the stats for the blog, the submissive rules page really kicks the crap out of all the other posts we have made.  Usually it is something like 150 people have viewed the rules, 2 people have viewed other pages.

What concerns me is that people look at the rules and use them to create their own without context, so I wanted to add a disclaimer to our situation.

Several years ago my wife came to me and asked to live a submissive life.  The journey has not been as clear cut as the rules may make it seem and there have been times where the rules have been ignored, bent, changed, and modified.

The first and foremost rule is that my submissive is my wife, she is the mother of our children, she takes care of our pets, and she takes care of the home.

Where the complexity comes in is that I am not big on having people do things for me (possibly part of the root of my DIY desire).  So it is tough for her to submit when I have not be solid on requiring things of her.

That being said, the rules are not perfect, we are not perfect, and no she does not get “beaten” each time she breaks the rules because the truth is that the rules that are important are the ones that we have always followed.  Love each other.

I do not view her as secondary to me, she is not a thing to be used, she is my partner, she willingly chose to want to submit and live more of a “1950’s style housewife” life.  We go out, we spend time as a family, and we keep working on the D/s relationship.

So take the rules that we created, sit down with your dominant or your submissive and discuss what works for you.  Do not forget that real life gets in the way.  Think about friends and family, think about work, think about the things you want to improve in yourself.  Make sure those things find their way into your rules.

Then, do not punish yourself for coming up short.  Your first set of rules is likely to be far to ideal and need to be edited down.  Create reasonable expectations and modify the rules as you go.

For example, maybe you as the dominant want your submissive to kneel anytime you enter a room.  That is a good rule; but day one it might be difficult for her to do so when visiting her mom’s house.  Now a few years in she might feel comfortable but it may take time.

The big thing to remember with our rules is that we had been together for more than 10 years before creating them.  If you are single or starting a relationship then the rules will likely be vastly different.  Maybe it is reasonable to expect her to kneel on day one.  Maybe it is not.

Do not let rules become the reason you break up with someone who is amazing, they are a living document and should evolve with your knowledge of D/s and with your relationship.

BDSM or Abuse?

50 Shades of Grey has created the expected waves and opened up the way for psychiatrists around the world to come out shooting comments about how things like handcuffs and spankings are abusive.  On the surface I have to agree with them, if I walked into a room and saw a person chained to a radiator while another person was standing over them with a wood staff I would likely tackle the staff holder and try to “save” the individual chained to the radiator.

It is hard, at a glance, to identify that this is a scene in which both partners are deriving pleasure.  They setup rules ahead of time, they discussed what was going to happen, and they act out an experience.  For many people it might be “wrong” but it is possible to do something like this without abusing anyone.

Thewillingsubmissive posted this story which got me thinking.  I agree with several of the items in Dr. Grossman’s article:

  • I think the movie presents Christian Grey as a man trying to deal with his childhood abuse through a string of D/s relationships.
  • I think the idea that someone who has never had sex can go from 0 to a live-in D/s relationship as she graduates from college is… foolish.  She needs to get out and discover who she is before making the choice to submit to someone.
  • I think that parents should talk to their children about everything.  Sex, violence, religion, food, exercise, and well… life in general.  We scope and mold our children and as parents it is important to pass along the right parts of us.  Hopefully that is the part that says “We believe in this; but it is important for you to understand why other people believe differently and to accept those who feel differently.”  Do I care of my children grown up to be in a D/s relationship (Well… OK, I don’t really want to think about my kids in ANY relationship) but they might be gay, they might become very religious, they might live a long life alone, whatever they pick I just want them to be safe, happy, and do their best.  Maybe not too safe… after all, they should try things like skydiving, rock climbing, kayaking and bear wrestling.

In the end, you cannot judge a culture by their cover, as is the case of the BDSM community and 50 Shades of Grey.  I think this article does an excellent job of explaining the difference between abuse and BDSM.

In the end, if two people agree on something, no one is being psychologically or physically taken advantage of, friends are not concerned, and in general the relationship is safe, then it is probably not abuse.  I am not saying that BDSM people cannot abuse people.  Every culture does be it Amish, gay, straight, conservative, or snake handler…

Being an individual who takes pleasure from giving or receiving pain does not make you an abuser or that of the abused victim.  It does however put you at a higher risk if you are looking to receive pain.  We have to be careful to create that safe environment and ensure that the person(s) we are participating with are on the same page as we are.

My thought is that a person practicing safe sex, no matter what type of sex that is will develop the skills to identify the type of person they want to spend their time with.  If something seems off, it probably is!

Stay safe and remember that abuse is not OK, EVER.