Beginner BDSM

One thing I have been thinking about recently is all the D/s and BDSM books I have read.  All of them have been helpful but I always felt like they were not a perfect match for us.

I know my wife shared the same thoughts and as we read through a lot of them we realized they were usually written by someone who started off a relationship in the “kink” and not buried deep in the vanilla wafers of life.

It is fair to say that between my wife and I, that I am the more outgoing; however she was the one that came to me asked to be my submissive.  A move with did shock me a bit.

I mean, here is an educated woman who wants to be (as part of our relationship) put on a leash and collaedr, spanked, have clips put on her body, punished, abused, and fucked… For lack of a better “vanilla” term like a whore.

We started out down this road and jumped into some books.  The problem with books, or anyone’s advice, is that things that work for them may not work for you.  Perhaps the best way to express that is…

Your kink is your kink.  My kink is mine.  Both are going to be different.

So it was a game of seek and find.  Look for some useful information here.  Find some websites with things that work there.  Get creative and fail at many things.  Start over.  Start over again.  Create the environment that worked for us.

The truth is… We still need to work at it.

However I feel there are a couple of basic things that will help everyone.  Be it a long term relationship that is moving to D/s, a BDSM relationship or a vanilla relationship – the rules are kind of the same:

1. Communicate.  My wife will tell you I am not the best here.  But I try.  We created rules to help foster more communication.

2. Start small.  Create a set of rules for week one, month one, the first 90 days, half a year… You cannot change everything right away.  Your goal is to succeed over time, not fail immediately.

Make sure to create a list of limits as part of your early rules.

These rules will get modified over time; but make sure you are safe and comfortable.

3. Review where you are.  Did that last rule work?  Is this the dynamic you want?  What can you add?  What can you take away?

4. Be warry anyone’s list of rules.  Everything sounds awesome on the Internet or in a book.  You may not see the work and fights and struggle to create that success.

5. COMMUNICATE!  No matter who you are, your spouse, boyfriend, fuck buddy, girlfriend, or FWB is a different individual who is going to have different goals in life.  You are much more likely to walk the same path together longer if you talk. (Yes, I know I put communicate in here twice).

6. Make it your own.  Want to tie him up in the bedroom?  Want to be dominated by your husband 24/7?  Want to have a gang bang with 57 people?  Whatever it is, be courageous in who you are and go get it!

7. Expect to fail.  Dr. Seuss reminds us that we all fail from time to time.  So do not expect your plan to succeed every step of the way.  Plan for that and be ready to step back and try again.

8. Have fun, life will amaze you if you let it.  Make your kink fun (safe and sane of course) but remember to balance what you do.

9. Respect yourself, your partner(s), and others.  Their goals are different, but everyone wants to enjoy their kink.

10. Keep a time available for “vanilla” moments.  No one can be a Dominant or a submissive every second of our lives.  We have needs beyond those; and in a true relationship sometimes those vanilla moments are more amazing than any kink moments.

So that is my top ten.  I am writing this because I hope it helps the people who ask us “How do I MAKE her submit?”

The truth is a dominant NEVER makes someone submit.  That is a trait of an abusive partner.  A submissive gives a Dominant their power.

In a true D/s relationship the submissive truly holds the majorty of the power and grants the Dominant their trust and acceptance within a predefined set of limits.

Baby step your way in; and you can find success as you change or create a relationship of any type.

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6 thoughts on “Beginner BDSM

  1. […] it seemed like a “First Night” post would be a good follow up to the “Beginner BDSM” post from a few days ago.  The idea again is to keep it simple and move forward at a pace […]

  2. Great post, thanks for sharing.

  3. babygirl says:

    Yes, i’m stalking Y/your blog, and felt that i had to comment on this post. It is very easy to read and understand. Very good advice. i wish i would have found it earlier. As Daddy and i have grown within O/our own D/s relationship, W/we have failed several times. The important thing is that W/we never quit. W/we knew this lifestyle was for U/us and W/we make it work. W/we have O/our own rules (i have mine) and it is working. i would like to reference this post in a future post on my blog (with my Daddy’s permission as well) if that is alright with Y/you. Thank Y/you.

  4. Jason Scott says:

    Hi, I’m a little new to the Dom/sub thing. My girlfriend has expressed interest in a 24/7 dom/sub relationship. She said that life is stressful and she would prefer if I took control. I know about the bedroom stuff, but I’m confused as to how to be a Dom outside of the bedroom. She said that she wanted me to set up rules for her to follow during the day. I want to do this for her. Can you explain how to have a functional 24/7 relationship?

    • sheforhim says:

      The good and the bad news is there is no set way to create a 24/7 functional relationship. There are a couple of keys to help though: Communicate, collaborate, and compromise.

      I find that creating a plan for a month, three months, and six months will help you two to create the relationship that works for you.

      Start by creating a lot of open conversation, determine what you want your goals to be, and to really understand what you both want from the dynamic.

      Once you get talking, you will likely find that your path to a D/s dynamic works itself out.

      Pick up some books on the different aspects of D/s and BDSM. They will help you to see what you enjoy doing.

      Good luck and look out for local groups where you can get assistance and chat with people of similar mindsets!

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