I feel like I have written about this topic before; and there are a ton of people out there looking to surrender control to someone.
That… Scares me. First, because there are also a ton of people out there that will take advantage of that. Maybe not intentionally, but so many people consider themselves “doms” that if we were a corporation we would have achieved market saturation.
THANKS E. L. James!
The bad news it was not really BDSM; and more to the point if you follow them as a manual… We are all in trouble.
This, however, is not a book review. What it is, is a review of the word “control”.
I believe that control is an elusion. It is created when two people interact, develop a relationship, and create a trusting environment.
That does not mean that two people who meet on a bar cannot have a hot night of rough fucking where the guy dominates the girl; but that control is instant. It does not transfer beyond the alchahol enfused desire and need.
The next morning one of you is likely to regret what happened; and the situation could be toxic. That is not trust, and without trust there can be no control.
I say that control is an elusion; and it is. The Dominant, a true Dom, is in control because the submissive allows it. he/she elects to give up control because the Dominant has earned it.
The Dominant has rules, punishments, and rewards. All of which they can given to the submissive because the sub allows it. At any moment that the sub says “no” it becomes dark, an unwanted thing. Just because she wanted to have a rope around her neck yesterday does not mean she is OK with it today. The Dominant has to watch for signs and guide the submissive carefully to ensure success.
As Dominants, we enjoy the control we earn; but we are really more of guides. We are lucky enough to get to touch lives, to lead, to accept the gift of control from a submissive who is sureendering themselves to us.
That. Is. A. Amazing. Thing.