Married with Children and D/s

I cannot count the number of times this has happened:

Text messages while at work:

Me: “I am going to <FCC Edit> your <Wow… Mom said I could never say that> and shove a broom handle between your <well, I probably could have said that> and make you <I just saw a sailor faint in the corner>.”

wife: “That sounds amazing!  I cannot wait”

Then when I get home, we playfully interact at the table, while the kids are there.  Everyone talking and having fun.   Then there is homework, and chores, and activities, and bedtime rituals with the kiddos and finally there is alone time!

And one of us passes out, exhausted from the day, or the recent events, or the cold we picked up, or one of the kids comes back into the room, or a cat throws up on the floor or…

Yep… life gets in the way; and that is my topic for the day… Since the wife and I came to this D/s, BDSM, Daddy/little (OK, the wife is really more of a middle than a little) – whatever we want to call it, we have found a lot of roadblocks to our success.  The same roadblocks that impact the relationships of our friends, who to our knowledge are not purveyors of the fun world we attempt to live in.

Am I am expert at suspending people in the air?  No
Am I am expert at tying people up on a bench or bed?  No
Am I am expert in all things kink, leather, BDSM, whatever…?  No

What I am, and the wife as my partner… well, we might just be experts in trying to go from a vanilla relationship to a D/s relationship, stumbling about a thousand times and still persisting in our efforts to continue to strengthen our bond and connect with each other.

I am sure there are those out there in the “lifestyle” that would laugh and point out all our failures; but I do not believe in failing.  I believe in trying.  I believe that you dust yourself off and go back at it until you find what works for you.

The wife and I read a bunch of books.  Some had some good information, and some had some bad information.  What we never found was a book that really touched on how does a married couple go from the “traditional vanilla” dynamic to a D/s dynamic while maintaining the important parts of the relationship they have already.

So how does one make that shift, without impacting your family, without changing the world your kids know, without impacting friends?  That is both the easiest part and the hardest part for most people (hard for me – easier for the wife).  It comes down to communication.

Step one: You cannot come to this party with an ego.  Otherwise it is not going to work out well.

Step two: Determine what is working well today.  Maybe it is that you spend two hours a day completely focused on the kids.  Do not let go of that.  Don’t impress D/s into that space.  Keep it the way it is.  Even if everyone is equal during that time, then it should stay that way as long as you can.  Your children will remember those times and the if anything both parents should be the “s” to their “D” for much of those family times, creating opportunities for them to grow, learn, and become the adults that they should be.  (Of course that is in the sense of encouraging the kids to make decisions, not allowing them to run roughshod all over you).

Step three: Put together your list of expectations and goals in a D/s relationship.  Maybe this is as simple as “I want to get tied up and I want you to do it” or more in line with “We would like to establish a deeper relationship that allows us to explore and discover together while opening opportunities for discussion and interaction that were difficult for us in the past”.  Remember when I said leave that ego at the door?  This part is about communicating and working through those things that did not work as well as those that did.

Step four: Did I mention you cannot bring your ego?  Well guess what.  Being a Dominant and learning the ropes is not easy.  You will stumble, you will make your submissive mad.  You will try to be too tough.  You will flip that over and be too soft.  It is a learning experience.  Make it such; and enjoy the ride!

Step five: Here is the good news, if you remember to keep your focus on your kids like parents should and you add in the additional focus on relationship and find those times when you can play.. your relationship will get stronger because you are pushing boundaries and trying new things together.

Of course that is successful because you are talking, you are sharing, and you are keeping to the limits that you have established.  If you as the dominant decide to go out and pick up a second submissive, and your wife is against the idea – that is not communicating, it is not part of a healthy relationship; and it likely to cause trouble.  Now if your wife is into that, I say go for it!  Explore and push all those boundaries you can!

4 thoughts on “Married with Children and D/s

  1. Great advice. just one more suggestion. Make sure both parties are 100% committed to the process. Otherwise, you might find yourself free falling with no one to catch you.

  2. We struggle with the life/kids thing too. I become disappointed in myself and beat myself up by thinking I’m not up to par when things get forgotten or I get slack with rules and rituals. Its not easy maintaining proper etiquette etc when living the lifestyle 24/7 around kids and life. Especially when it doesn’t just stop at a sexy fun times thing. We haven’t met any others yet that we have this in common with. -lollee

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