Significant Assembly Required

I am sitting in a conference room in the Mandaly Bay hotel and casino in Las Vegas at an IT conference looking at a presentation with the words “Significant Assembly Required” in the typical PowerPoint delivery.

As I saw the words I was suddenly hit with a thought about some emails I have received lately.  An individual is having an issue with their submissive.  They are in a long distance relationship and the dominant is having trouble with the submissive feeling that their relationship is not headed in the right direction.

I offered some advice (although I have no experience with long distance relationships and mentioned that).  My advice stated with the thought that long distance relationships likely require a lot more work within specific areas and more communication.

For example, how do you correct someone when they are not close?  I am sure there are ways but my thoughts lean towards where are the rewards that go with correction?  Where does the value of the relationship come from?

I once tried a long distance vanilla relationship.  That was difficult enough, and it ended up crashing and burning; so I can only imagine the complexities of “enforcing your will on another” over a distance.

Which brings me to my thought.  For couples and individuals looking to get into D/s, these relationships have significant assembly required.  

It is easy to find someone to have sex with.  It is even fairly easy to find someone to spend time with (at least in the short term) but there is a challenge to creating a long-term healthy relationship (D/s or vanilla).  The song is wrong, you need more than love.

After all, I love some of the items I own for hobbies; but I can easily replace them.  What is tougher is living with another human.

Let’s face it, in general people kind of suck.  We have selfish times, we snore, we make weird noises when we brush our teeth… Living with someone means loving all of those things that make them, well… Them.

Relationships are like buying a desk from Ikea.  You are going to have to assemble it.  You are going to make mistakes at times.  You are going to succeed at times.  So be ready to work for what you want.  If both of you want the relationship to work, then talk.  Figure out what is not working and fix it.
Your relationship will assemble in the way you chose as a couple, but it takes time and care from both parties.

The term submissive does not excuse you from owning the relationship as much as the dominant.  It is part of the dynamic but a healthy relationship will have a submissive and a dominant that make choices together most of the time.

Of course, there is always a time for a ball gag too 😈.

-Sir, daily working to assemble his relationship.

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The Challenge of Dominance

One of the things I often struggle with is the difference between what my wife and I find appropriate.

For example, I am a big fan of public displays of affection.  I love my wife and I do not care who knows it or where I show my affection.

She does not share my affinity for contact in public.  

There are other, more complex differences.  Sometimes those differences are quite valid and her position is the logical one. Other times the events of her past weigh on her.

So the challenge I face as the Domiant is to create that safe space where I can challenge her without pushing the limit too far.  To create a poor comparison, it is like working with children.  You want to set them up to be strong and confident people without pushing so hard that they close down on you and hate you forever.

My best tool is knowing her.  We have been together almost 20 years, so I know her, I know what she can do and what she cannot.  She is much stronger than she believes.

I have to push.

I have to watch her eyes, her body, the way she reacts to touch, activities, situations.  I have to listen and hold back when we get close.

Safe words help as well.  Sometimes she can fool me, so having a warning and a safe word keeps her safe.  It can also give her the confidence to go on.

The best tool to identify a limit is practice.  Start small and work up from there.  See how much you can push, how far s/he can go; and be ready to stop and provide care if the line gets crossed.

For Dominants who are trying to catch up with their submissive, the oppsite can be true.  You might be tentative to go to their limits.  Ask questions, have the submissive help you grow, and continue the adventure!

-Sir

Catharsis

Yesterday while I was at the gym Daddy and I had a very good conversation via text about whether or not I felt he took has role as Dominant and if I felt he needed to be stricter with me.  I felt the answer to this right now is both yes and no.  I do feel he takes his role seriously and while I do want him to be stricter with me; given my current emotional fragility I feel that should he go to the level I know he wants to be at and where I would like to be ideally; I would not respond well.

One of the issues I am working through is the fact that while I can logically list 10,000 reasons why I know Daddy loves me there is this part of me that cannot accept that I am good enough for him.  But my issue goes beyond us as a couple; I have trouble seeing my worth as a person as a whole; as a mother to our children even though again I can logically identify the reasons why I am worthy.

Half jokingly Daddy suggested he make me repeat that I am worthy over and over until I believe it.  Half jokingly I responded that he should spank me each time to drive the point home.

Last night collared and on my leash I found myself across Daddy’s lap. He started with just playful slaps; but as we kept going I found the intensity building and for the first time in a long time I felt myself being pushed to a limit. He whispered in my ear all of the reasons why he wants me and as he coupled his words with the slaps I let the tears go.  He made me tell him I was worthy; I reached a point where I didn’t think I could handle much more and I told him so.  He held me tight for a few minutes but told me that I was going to take five more.  I didn’t think I could but I also knew I needed it.  He let me tell him when I was ready and I counted out the last five through the tears.

By the end of the evening I was completely drained; physically and emotionally.  So much so that I was shaking and Daddy had to help me walk to the bathroom. But for the first time in a very long time I felt so safe and so loved.

The healing has begun. I am so thankful for this patient man that knows what I need to get better.

Broken

  
Hemingway may have the truth of it, we are all broken and through that, through our need to reach out and get help, to establish bonds with others we let our light in.

Since we are all different it should not be a surprise that what is light for some is not the same as another.
Submissives may find light in service, a spanking, or a kind word.  Dominants in providing direction, correcting a submissive, or simply in the act of taking what they desire (who wouldn’t find some light here).

Ask yourself, your partner, how can we let the light into our relationship?