Yesterday while I was at the gym Daddy and I had a very good conversation via text about whether or not I felt he took has role as Dominant and if I felt he needed to be stricter with me. I felt the answer to this right now is both yes and no. I do feel he takes his role seriously and while I do want him to be stricter with me; given my current emotional fragility I feel that should he go to the level I know he wants to be at and where I would like to be ideally; I would not respond well.
One of the issues I am working through is the fact that while I can logically list 10,000 reasons why I know Daddy loves me there is this part of me that cannot accept that I am good enough for him. But my issue goes beyond us as a couple; I have trouble seeing my worth as a person as a whole; as a mother to our children even though again I can logically identify the reasons why I am worthy.
Half jokingly Daddy suggested he make me repeat that I am worthy over and over until I believe it. Half jokingly I responded that he should spank me each time to drive the point home.
Last night collared and on my leash I found myself across Daddy’s lap. He started with just playful slaps; but as we kept going I found the intensity building and for the first time in a long time I felt myself being pushed to a limit. He whispered in my ear all of the reasons why he wants me and as he coupled his words with the slaps I let the tears go. He made me tell him I was worthy; I reached a point where I didn’t think I could handle much more and I told him so. He held me tight for a few minutes but told me that I was going to take five more. I didn’t think I could but I also knew I needed it. He let me tell him when I was ready and I counted out the last five through the tears.
By the end of the evening I was completely drained; physically and emotionally. So much so that I was shaking and Daddy had to help me walk to the bathroom. But for the first time in a very long time I felt so safe and so loved.
The healing has begun. I am so thankful for this patient man that knows what I need to get better.