Catharsis

Yesterday while I was at the gym Daddy and I had a very good conversation via text about whether or not I felt he took has role as Dominant and if I felt he needed to be stricter with me.  I felt the answer to this right now is both yes and no.  I do feel he takes his role seriously and while I do want him to be stricter with me; given my current emotional fragility I feel that should he go to the level I know he wants to be at and where I would like to be ideally; I would not respond well.

One of the issues I am working through is the fact that while I can logically list 10,000 reasons why I know Daddy loves me there is this part of me that cannot accept that I am good enough for him.  But my issue goes beyond us as a couple; I have trouble seeing my worth as a person as a whole; as a mother to our children even though again I can logically identify the reasons why I am worthy.

Half jokingly Daddy suggested he make me repeat that I am worthy over and over until I believe it.  Half jokingly I responded that he should spank me each time to drive the point home.

Last night collared and on my leash I found myself across Daddy’s lap. He started with just playful slaps; but as we kept going I found the intensity building and for the first time in a long time I felt myself being pushed to a limit. He whispered in my ear all of the reasons why he wants me and as he coupled his words with the slaps I let the tears go.  He made me tell him I was worthy; I reached a point where I didn’t think I could handle much more and I told him so.  He held me tight for a few minutes but told me that I was going to take five more.  I didn’t think I could but I also knew I needed it.  He let me tell him when I was ready and I counted out the last five through the tears.

By the end of the evening I was completely drained; physically and emotionally.  So much so that I was shaking and Daddy had to help me walk to the bathroom. But for the first time in a very long time I felt so safe and so loved.

The healing has begun. I am so thankful for this patient man that knows what I need to get better.

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3 thoughts on “Catharsis

  1. Beautiful. I can relate to this. He knows you are worthy…that’s why he has you repeat the mantra. You have to believe it though. Hugs.

  2. Tonia says:

    I have just recently entered into a D/s relationship with my fiance that has been a Dom for many years. I am what they call a switch and I would love with all of my heart and soul to be complete sub to my Master. I find that I have the same dilemma as you do, I do not feel good enough or worthy in any aspect of my life to be all He needs and wants. I am also having difficulty with the knowing when to shut my mouth and because I deal with everything with humor, knowing when smirking is okay and isn’t. It doesn’t help that I was in a motorcycle accident in 2005 and have several physical issues because of it. I love the rules you as a couple have come up with! Is there any suggestions you can give me for remembering all I need to due to having head trauma and memory issues due to past abuse and the accident. I do not ever want Master to stray or replace me and I want to be “perfect” for him. There is so much more I could ask but any help would be great. Thank you

    • sheforhim says:

      Hello Tonia, I cannot speak for my wife; but I have coined the term “Goldfish Brain” for myself.

      I find myself forgetting a lot of things that I consider to be less important or we lose track of events because of our busy schedule.

      To combat that, we try to load everything into a Google calendar that shows up on both of our phones.

      That way I always have a way to look at what needs to happen next or what is going on over a specific weekend.

      Smart phones also allow you to download apps like “Day One” to keep a journal or to create reminders that integrate into your calendar on the device.

      Technology does not have to become intrusive on your life; but there are a lot of tools out there that can help you to remember things to do, manage your house, and to keep focused.

      If you are “old school” I recommend a paper list. My wife objected to the idea of writing down everything she had to do each day at first. However it did not take long for her to realize the joy of crossing off each item and the fact that it helps her to remember her tasks.

      It also allows me to review what she did during the day and can create discussion points for us.

      I am also willing to bet that your fiancé likes your mouth, and if he is not pleased with it, he can certainly correct you as your Dominant.

      It is a difficult line for me to balance the love of my wife’s quirky mouth and keeping my submissive in line. I do not want to change the entire dynamic of our relationship. For that I just suggest watching his mood. If he does not appear to be in a joking mode, I would focus on the submissive role. If he is, you can be more humorous.

      Like me, you probably use humor to deflect. Which is a trait we all should work on getting away from.

      I hope that helps, feel free to hit us up with any other questions!

      -C

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