A quick and dirty note from Sir…

Remember guys, Cabury may make eggs filled with cream; but it is up to you to give your woman the cream filling she truly craves.

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Commitment and Motivation

A friend of mine texted me this morning looking for advice and motivation regarding strength training and going to the gym.  I just started lifting about three months ago and when I first started I was so intimidated that I made Daddy go with me.  I never thought I would be comfortable enough to go on my own let alone stick with it.  But after He showed me how to do a few things I decided that I needed to have an actual workout plan to follow rather than just trying to show up and work out.  Besides the physical benefits; working out has done wonders for my depression and confidence and I find that when I know it’s a day I have to get to the gym it motivates me to get moving.

But I have found myself wondering if I will get to a point where I reach my goals and will that decrease my motivation to go. I love seeing the strength and definition I have developed in such a short time but I know eventually I will reach a place where I can’t get any more defined and I don’t want to end up with a body builder’s body.  I just want to have a healthy and strong body.

But I have also been wondering about that in terms of our D/s relationship.  We have been going in fits and starts for various reasons and while I know both Daddy and I want to continue this dynamic; for me I find when we are lax I miss the routine and expectations.  We have had conversations lately where we both feel we are falling short and not moving forward.  I have a lot of limits and boundaries that I have not yet let go of and I’m starting to wonder if deep down it is because I am worried that when I do we will reach a place where there is nothing more to push or try (thought I know that is waaayyyy down the road).  What happens then?  Does the motivation to maintain the dynamic decrease because there is nothing more to work towards? Is that why I tend to want to move more slowly than Daddy does because it gives me goals to work towards? Or is it that just like a relationship it is always evolving and there are deeper levels that the goals can work towards.

Here is what I do know; I need this for so many reasons just like I need my workout routine.  It feeds me physically and emotionally.  It helps me with my confidence and depression.  It fuels my love and desire for this man who has given me so much and it makes me feel safe.  Perhaps that is the commitment and motivation I need and someday I’ll have a better answer for myself.
His little b

Daddy knows best…

…even when I don’t think he does.  As he pulled me out of the depression I was sinking into earlier this week; I knew he was right as he made me get out of bed and go about my normal routines. As I did I found myself returning to a better place much faster than normal.

It makes letting go of control a little easier.

Silence

Do not mistake my silence for no longer wanting what we have become.  Do not mistake my silence for not wanting to move forward; to move deeper into this journey.  Do not mistake my silence for not caring.  My silence here means only that I am thinking, planning, working to let go more and be all I can for you.

I can’t gather my thoughts together enough to write them down in the manner I want to.  The time will come when I can; in the meantime just know I take every word you say to me to heart.

your little b

Practice Makes Perf… Better

While the pursuit of perfection is the bragging rights of Lexus, the rest of us can take great pleasure in getting better with each attempt instead.  Perfection may just be out of reach but that does not excuse us from trying to reach for it.

As we work and play, our goals should be to always be better.  We want, we need, we should set our goals to always be better; and in doing so we will push ourselves forward.  We should expect our partners to be interested in doing the same.

No matter what you get into, ropes, wax, spanking, clamps, camping, running, skipping you should want to improve. With each time that you play, you should ask yourself and your partner what worked, what did not work, what could be better, what can we push further.

Break things down, look at them analytically (which can admittedly be hard especially if you are romantically entwined).  If you are in a relationship where sex is just sex this effort will be easier because you spend less time worrying about the emotions of your partner and what little thing might upset them.  

If you are in a monogamous loving relationship, your waters may be a bit more difficult to navigate.  How will your partner feel if you say “I did not like the way you nibbled on my nipple”?  How can you phrase things so that the two of you can grow together without upsetting your partner?

That will come down to your individual relationship but it has to start with trust, love, and honesty.  The more open you are to listening to each other, the more likely you can discuss things to improve without hurting the other person.

Having conversations like these can be a bit like a work of art.  You have to build the foundation through communiation before you play.  You should layer in discussions about how you want to talk afterwords.  Do they really want to know what to do to be better?  Are they interested in feedback and improving?  Are you?  When the picture is complete you can frame it with the postcoital conversation.

None of us really want to hear that we were horrible, but sometimes that is just what we need to hear to realize we can be better, to shake away the illusion in our head.

In our house, our oldest daughter tried a lot of sports; she would always talk about how good she was.  When we would take her out to practice and try to help her she would refuse because she was “already good”.  When we pointed out that the professional athletes still practiced, she would ignore us.

One thing that she forgot is that we always can be better.  We always need more practice.

So you have to be ready to fail.  You have to accept that you will do things wrong.  You have to be willing to improve.

Once you accept those things, then you can start to have those conversations about how you and your partner can be better together.

Taking all of these items, having open and honest communication can help to improve your relationship and, to use a euphemism, “adventures”.

Purpose of a Dominant

As a dominant, or if you prefer “a Dominant” I am always amused by the writing I see that says a submissive’s purpose is to serve.

While it is accurate that a submissive takes pleasure in meeting the needs of others, specifically their Domiant, that Dominant also has a number of responsibilities to their submissive(s).

First and formost, the Domiant has the responsibility for caring for the submissive.  That includes providing direction, protection and nurturing the submissive.

What it does not include is abuse.  It may, at times, include correction and pain play but these are consensual services provided because the submissive has asked for them as part of the agreement between the individuals involved.  A submissive may agree to a list of rules and in the event that they break one of the rules there is an agreed upon correction provided.

A Dominant’s role is to provide, to the best of their abilities direction for a submissive.  This direction should seek to help the submissive with an issue, limit, or goal.  One example could be making a submissive sit down and paint for 20 minutes a day because they have a passion for art but always let other things get in the way.

One of the things I had my wife/submissive do was create a list of her daily tasks.  When she first stated doing it I believe her exact words were “This is stupid.”

Now, she makes a list every day.  Not because I make her, but because she has discovered the satisfaction that comes from looking at her list and crossing things out.

Score one for the husband!

My submissive wife and I take pleasure in the small rituals that we have, such as her wearing a “formal” collar during the day kneeling before me each night to replace it with a leather collar for play and sleeping.  In turn, that same ritual occurs in the morning.

For us, we came to D/s after being married for quite a while, so it enhanced an already strong relationship and gave us new challenges to face.

As I read other blogs or “talk” with people on Twitter I am always shocked at the number of people that talk about how they had relationships with dominants that treated them like doormats.  Closer to a master and slave role but without establishing that was what they wanted.

Unreasonable rules would come up, such as having to respond to text messages in under five minutes even when working or that family was not as important as being at the call of the dominant.  Which for a mother or father would have to be difficult even in the closest relationship.

Above all, a Dominant has to be realistic.  If a submissive is willing to give you a leading role in their life, you have to treat that with care.  There should absolutely be expectations; but they have to be reasonable.  If you are dating a single mother with two jobs, she is probably not going to be able to cook you breakfast everyday in the nude.  If you are Dominating a single father with three active boys, you will have to accept that he is going to coach a baseball team or have to get a kid to a hockey game.

When establishing your rules and protocols the real world has to be taken into account.  A Dominant will be able to make their rules fit the reality of the situation, not try to force the situation to fit their rules.

Tumblr: For The Love of a Submissive (Submissive Traits -Intellegence)

I take no credit for this content other than the ability to cut and paste.  I retained the copyright at the bottom as well.  Enjoy the content.  It is from Fortheloveofasubmissive on Tumblr:

If submission is the teammate of Dominance then intelligence is the spoil of victory.It is tempting to look at images of BDSM and sadomasochistic pornography and assume that a submissive or masochist must be either weak willed or feeble of mind and heart to allow someone to use and even abuse them is such a manner. After all, what strong-minded or self-assured woman would submit themselves to the physical and emotional subjugation and even humiliation depicted in such imagery? Clearly there must be something wrong with a person who allows themselves, nay even seeks out, such treatment. But not so fast, there is much more than meets the eye.

It is true that domineering men who hide their insecurities behind bluster, bravado or even violence often seek out weak or meek women as not only their foil but also sadly their emotional and physical punching bags. It is tragic and sadly all too common throughout the world in all forms of “relationships,” vanilla and BDSM alike. Often such men want nothing more than a human lap dog that will dutifully stand by their side regardless of behavior only to be kicked, ignored, and emotionally malnourished. The domineering prick wants the illusion of control to shine through for everyone around them to see as a boost to their fragile ego but never wants to be outshone or upstaged. They want their dog healing and panting at their side when it is convenient to them and out of sight and mind when it is not. Its a sad state of affairs all around and particularly for dependent or even codependent women who are subjected to and nearly held prisoner by such domineering behavior. Sadly, there are many of these domineering men who pose as Dominants and candidly give the BDSM and D/s community a bad rap.

So let me be clear. A Dominant has no need for, nor a desire for, a lap dog. Nothing could be more painfully boring or unfulfilling to a Dominant than a codependent or weak willed or minded lap dog of a submissive. A great part of the reward of submission to a Dominant is that it must be earned from a very worthy source. It may even be an outright challenge. By this I do not mean the brat submissive who is really a top and challenges every move a Dominant makes seeking to find the “One” who is tough enough to beat her at her own game. That is really just Dominance or more likely domineering in disguise. I am referring to patiently and lovingly earning the submission of a woman who is strong, intelligent, self-assured, capable, as well as beautiful, sensual, and sexually adventuresome. That is where true reward lies.

When I look down at my submissive kneeling before me I do not wish to see a cowering dog. No, I want to see the glimmer of intelligence in her eye, the knowing look that she could be anything she wants to be in this life but chooses to be here, at my feet. I want to know that she appreciates my own intellect and can match it step for step. I want a challenge not only from her body but also her mind. I want to have to work for the submission I receive. Not fight over it, earn it. I want a submissive worthy of my Dominance every bit as much as I strive to be worthy of her submission. Ultimately I want a partner who is as interesting and challenging to talk with, go places with, and experience life with as she is sexy, submissive, devoted, and serving. I want her to push me as much as I push her. I want a partner, not an automaton.

But I am a guy and like most men can be visually driven. I would be lying if I did not say that looks matter to me, that appearance plays a significant role in attraction. But looks alone only draw me closer in curious exploration and no more. Sexiness, sensuality, and overall attraction do not come from appearance alone. They are a state of mind. And there is nothing more sexy and sensual to me than a highly intelligent woman who is confident and curious about life, herself, her sexuality and other people. An outgoing, intelligent, articulate and confident woman combined with a natural curiosity and desire for exploring and enhancing her sensuality is a lethal combination for me. Add a touch of submissiveness or even a desire to submit and I am slain. The secret sauce though is in the heart and mind.

An intelligent Dominant will always seek an equally intelligent submissive. They desire a partner to dance the D/s dance with who is challenging (not combative), yet devoted. The rewards of submission are commensurate with the effort. Intelligence combined with sensual beauty is a prize worth every ounce of effort a Dominant can muster. Ultimately, when my Muse outshines me and is the center of everyone else’s attention and focus it is not an affront to me but instead perhaps the ultimate compliment. For it is a submissive who shows for all to see exactly what sort of Dominant they they kneel before.

Originally posted on July 23, 2013

Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013