Finding my way through the grey.

While D/s has taken a bit of a backseat for us over the last few months there have been moments where we were able to step into our roles and relish them.  As I have stated in the past, as a black and white thinker I have a hard time when things are in the grey…and that has where we have been for a very long time.
But I realized that D/s isn’t a black and white issue; most of it is in the grey because what one couples dynamic entails may not work for another.  Similarly our D/s dynamic may not seem true to others or it may even seem to be ideal to others.  Life controls our path and sometimes it leads us away from where we want to be.

Then over the last few weeks life took me to a terrible place that I haven’t experienced in some time. In a six day period I had two family members and a friend pass away and while dealing with my grief I was also fighting illness that left me feeling very much like I did when I had mono. I couldn’t deal with much and Daddy ordered me to bed for most of that time in order to keep my sanity and conserve what little energy I had.

But from this period of chaos came a beautiful thing; I found myself feeling the D/s dynamic we have working to find all this time.  Daddy had truly been my safe place; he cuddled me and protected me, he listened as I sobbed and worried about my family and our future, he made sure that our little family was taken care of by making dinners and taking the children where they needed to be, but mostly he gave and gave without asking for anything in return. I felt so safe, so full and so wanting to give to him in return.

So yesterday I was given roses and these

  in them are instructions from Daddy on how our routines and roles will play from here on.  I was reluctant at first because emotionally I wasn’t sure I was ready to take up our D/s full time but then I realized that I was because I know that we are evolving together and that while life may sometimes make this journey difficult; it is our journey…wherever it takes us and we will face the grey together and make it ours.

His little b

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my gifts i give to You.

Dear Master-

You ask me what I can offer to you physically, emotionally and sexually.  After careful thought during my meditation time today i have focused on the following gifts i can give to you freely and lovingly.

Physically i can offer you my body to play with, to bind, to beat, to caress as you wish, when you wish to. i can kneel happily at your feet, i can massage your body when it needs care, i can do for you when you cannot and do so with joy.

Emotionally i can give you my whole heart always; i will be there to cheer you on, i will be here for you to turn to when you need someone to listen,  i will open my arms to you should you ever need to just be held. i will be strong for you when you need me to be.  No matter what; i am here for you.

Sexually i will worship your cock, i will work to satisfy your needs, your whims, your darkest fantasies.  i will do my best to let go of my inhibitions and push past those limits that scare me because i know you will keep me safe.  i will do myself to make you want me, i will make myself available to you as you want me, whenever you want me and i will make you proud to own me.

Most of all, i will work to put your needs as well as the needs of our family before my own.  i will do my best to make you proud of me, to feel honored to own me and to make sure you know that all that i do, i do to please you because you are my everything and i want to be deserving of your collar.

These are the gifts i give to you; i hope you cherish them.

Your little b

60 Days of Submission-Day 7

The last two days have been rough emotionally; while i was still trying to recover from Day 6 I had to face yesterday’s task which scared me for several reasons.

Day 7:Spend the night in the dog cage; no playtime for a week as punishment.

We have talked about incorporating the dog cage we have into our relationship and i didn’t object to it. i had some concerns with it though; they weren’t enough to make me refuse because i feel like even if it’s something i don’t like i need to try it because part of our relationship is pushing boundaries. One of the issues was having to sleep alone knowing Master was in the room with me but not being able to touch Him during the night. When i have trouble sleeping i find that being able to reach over and have a hand or leg up against Him helps me relax and fall back asleep. The biggest issue though was the fact that i am terribly claustrophobic; I literally have to be sedated just to have an MRI and even though the cage is wire and I can see out and breathe the closeness of the space is enough to cause panic.

Master understood my concern and decided i would start out in the cage for a couple of hours and see what happened. He closed the door but did not latch it and was kind enough to lay on the floor next to me and turn on a silly movie to help me relax.

It didn’t work; i tried so hard not to panic but not being able to sit up all the way or stretch my legs out made things difficult. At one point Master went up to the bed because He thought i had fallen asleep; when He turned off the light i freaked out because i felt completely isolated. He made me come out and come into bed; i slept some but i woke up several times in a panic because i forgot i was in bed.

We talked about it this morning; i asked Him if He though it was something He would want me to try again and what His ultimate goal is for using it (punishment versus play) was. As a punishment it would definitely be effective because i would do whatever i had to to avoid going in. He asked me if i thought it was worth working through my fears to do it again. In a way i do because my claustrophobia doesn’t just stop here; it prevents me from doing other things where small enclosed spaces are involved that i want to do. Here i can get used to the idea and still be aware of my surroundings; i just think it has to be a gradual introduction. Master decided we would try it again but during a time where i am not tired and probably when i am not emotionally drained and then for short periods of time. i am okay with that…i think…

Between the last two days i am feeling discouraged; i feel as though i am failing at my tasks and while failure also promotes success because i learn from the experience right now it has me questioning my ability to move out of my comfort zone and fully submit to Master.

His little b

Sixty Days of Submission-Day 3

Today’s Task:Every weekday at 6:30 you are responsible for waking me up. This means ensure that I am up, not ask if I want to sleep in.  The proper method to waking me up is asking permission to worship my cock and using the time before our children are up to ensure a positive start to our day.Five strokes as punishment for not waking me up.

This has actually been a part of our routine from Day 1; there have been times where it has become hit or miss due to one or the both of us being tired.  i am glad that failure to do this now warrants discipline because it will encourage me to make sure to put Master’s desires ahead of my desire for an extra fifteen minutes of sleep.  Honestly; despite my grogginess for the first few minutes; i love this part of our life.  i get great pleasure from worshiping Master’s cock and starting the morning off in this exchange gets me into a wonderful mindset for the day. The knowledge that there will be discipline should i put my desire for fifteen minutes of extra sleep over my desire to serve Master helps ensure that i will continue to be successful from here on out.

Sixty Days of Submission-Day 2

Today’s Task:Print out and complete the BDSM checklist at http://www.cepemo.com/checklist.html; one stroke per item not completed as punishment.  There were 200 items on the list.

This proved to be much more of a challenge than i expected; not just because of the number of questions (and Master ended up paring the list down a bit because we both felt that some of the questions were geared towards someone who was looking for a partner while others we both knew were hard limits for us both) but also because many of the questions didn’t have a clear cut answer and needed to be discussed further.  Some of the questions i felt indifference to such as clothing and role play; i would do them both if Master wished me to but if it were my choice i probably wouldn’t think about it.

The biggest challenge i found was actually answering some of the questions that we already do.  As a masochist obviously pain is high on my list of things that i enjoy; however i do differentiate between sensual spanking/beating and punitive and so to answer on a scale of 1-5 whether i enjoy certain aspects of beating…well…i enjoy a good spanking and often find it helps bring me back to where i need to be.  I don’t enjoy when i receive a punitive beating because it hurts in a different way but i do appreciate it because it reminds me to watch myself and my actions.  So i ended up leaving a few unanswered and suggested to Master that perhaps the checklist would be better answered face to face.  i love that it opened up a great dialogue between us tonight; he told me that he wasn’t surprised by any of my answers and limits but wanted to see what i would answer if asked to and i asked him if there was anything that i answered low on my list of likes that maybe he wanted to try more of.  He said no; that our answers lined up pretty much the same although he is much more open minded to public acts where they are definite hard limits for me,

All in all; i would say today was very helpful for me to really voice to Master where i hope our relationship will head and to be able to put more trust in him to lead me to my limits and then push me just a little bit further.  Every day i can see how committed he is to making this work for us and it pushes me to let go and surrender to him.

i will go to sleep tonight feeling quite at peace.

his little b

Sixty Days of Submission

Master recently finished a book entitled “Sixty Days of Submission” and while he said that much of the book was repetitive; he liked the idea of a challenge and so on Monday i received an email with a spreadsheet attached containing my own “Sixty Days of Submission”. Each day, from February 1st to April 1st, i will have an activity or challenge to complete and failure to do so comes with a matching punishment.  Not all challenges are of a sexual nature and while some of the punishments are on the lighthearted side; others already have me hoping i will not fail to comply on those days.

Some of the items on the list are already a part of our daily routine in some way but have a few modifications, others we have talked about incorporating in the past or maybe tried to but stopped for whatever reason, some are taken from my own personal list of submissive goals for the year while others have come from the recesses of Master’s imagination.  There are several i am looking forward to trying, others that i have a little hesitation over and some that will be pushing me WAY out of my comfort zone and i am currently weighing whether or not the punishment would be more tolerable than the activity (i am kidding about that….sort of).

My goal, as of now, is to post each day’s activity and whether or not it was a success or failure (hopefully there are few failures although even within failure there is success because i will learn from it) and my feelings about each day.  At the end of the sixty days, with Master’s permission, i will post the list in its entirety to the blog.  i am excited about this challenge, while i feel a bit nervous i know that i am going to learn a lot about myself, my limits and hopefully i will have moved more solidly into this role that i am so very much wanting.  i hope that i am able to please Master with my success and to give myself over to Him more fully when all is said and done.  Perhaps this journey will inspire others who are finding their own submission to join me and take a challenge of their own.

his little b