Fellow Purveyors of Kink, welcome to a subject that was kicked off by a post to this blog asking “How do I bring light bondage into the bedroom”. It is a great question and for many couples it may be all they are looking to get out of the BDSM world. The question is, how do you introduce it without freaking the other partner out, although personally I suspect that everyone is a bit kinky and is just as paranoid about frighting you as you are towards them.
So I came up with an approach from the submissive side and the dominant side that might just help people to “spice things up”. Of course if my ramblings provide little to no value, there are dozens of books on Amazon or at your local bookstore that can provide some ideas as well. The only advantage to my advice is that it is free.
OK, tossing a pair of handcuffs into the mix might be a bit much for some people; but there are lots of ways to restrain people. As a submissive you could whisper into your partner’s ear “hold my hands above my head” to get things started. Then when you are laying together in the happy after glow you could say something like “I wonder how a tie would feel instead of you holding my hands”.
I remember the first time I played with my wife’s ass, it was years after our children were born and I had never really thought about anal sex or playing with her butt, it just happened that my thumb slid across her anus and she reacted positively so I kept it there.
Afterwords we were talking and she said “I wonder how it would feel to have your thumb inside me”. Apply the same idea to being restrained and you may find that your partner is willing to come along for the ride. The moans my wife made that first time certainly enticed me to try even more new things.
As a dominant – you can start with holding their hands above their head, or pressed against their back if you behind her (or him). Restraining the hands with your hands is a great way to start because your partner can experience the feel of losing that freedom without the fear that ropes can create.
Graduate from there to soft ties (silk ties for example) and work your way up to rope. It might be an overnight transition or it might take a few weeks (months/years).
Then again, you may never get there – it really depends on the relationship. The most important part, make sure you talk about what you tried and see how both of you feel about trying it again or going to the next step.
This one can be a bit tough, it is almost like adding another partner to the mix. Since most of the toys that come out are for the women, men can feel like they are not enough to satisfy you. Especially if you bring out a 14 inch plastic wang. Depending on your fetish here, this may require some serious discussions ahead of time. Guys may not be terribly excited about getting pegged (having a woman fuck their ass with a dildo). Some women may not be very excited to try out any toys.
Looking back at the wife and I, we did not have a lot of experience with toys before a few years ago. While we did do a few light bondage things like tying her to the bed, blindfolds, and spankings we had not made our way into the toy stores. It was really 50 Shades of Grey that helped out there. She wanted to try a few toys from the book.
We found that some worked for her; while others did not. Here I think the best bet is to bite the bullet and discuss the wish to involve some toys into your play. Again, start small and find the toys that work well for you. A magic wand is a great toy along with a few dildos and plugs. It will depend on your tastes and sensitives.
If you feel more submissive in nature and are not sure how to open a conversation about a toy, you could make a purchase (plenty of online stores sell them so you do not have to go into a store and talk to anyone) and wait for your partner to head into the shower or something. When they come out let them see you with the toy and ask them to help you. Like I said, this can be a HUGE leap for some guys.
Personally, it turns me on to see the wife masturbate and use her toys.
On the dominant side, I recommend taking the approach to discuss the toys. However you could try getting a small vibrator and using it against her clit (or his balls) as you fuck them. Do not try to blow their mind the first time, just get them excited about it.
That can open up the doors to lots of other toys and ideas.
Personally I think this one is the easiest. You can casually spank yourself (as a submissive) in front of your partner or as a dominant you can place the same casual swat on your partner’s ass and see how they respond.
Again, you are going to start with just a couple of strokes. You do not want to leave your partner (or yourself) black and blue the first time. However saying “Smack my ass!” while having intercourse can also be a huge turn on. That can open the doors for having the conversation about getting spanked more often.
The “trick” is get your partner talking in a non-threatening conversation and to ensure that they feel safe enough with you to try new things. If you can start with some small event that occurred between the sheets as you cuddle together then you can help your partner to feel good about what they did and encourage more of what you want.
BDSM is not for everyone; and you will likely find a lot more success in a conversation if you can build off of a minor success from a naturally occurring or planned event. Just remember to keep it simple and try not to overwhelm yourself or your partner.
It might be that BDSM is something that you really want to get into but your partner is not interested. Then you face a decision, are they worth staying vanilla? I can promise you that there are people that are worth it; but I think everyone has a bit of a kinky side, they just need to feel safe and secure enough to let it out.
Sometimes when you open the flood gates things can get going quickly. You want to make sure that you set boundaries and ensure that your partner knows them. Pick a safe word, make sure that they know you want to be spanked but that spitting on you is off limits, think about what you are interested in. Going through a BDSM checklist like this one: http://sweetsurrender.org/list.html can help you determine your limits.
I recommend picking up a few books like the Kama Sutra and A Little Bit of Kinky or 101 Nights of Great Sex. Books like 101 Nights of Great Sex can help create an atmosphere where you are trying new things and can identify with your partner the ones that work for you as an individual and as a couple. Some of them are vanilla, some are kinky, and some are more BDSM style. It is a good way to try new things (not that I get any money from Laura for pitching her book).
Overall, the key to success in BDSM, in your relationship, and in life is COMMUNICATION! Sometimes that first conversation needs a little push to get it started, so try some small things and talk about them to see where it leads.