Dom Tips (1.0)

– If you expect your submissive to invest, you must match or exceed their energy and focus on the relationship.

– Stop calling it “punishment”!  We are correcting actions  we do not like, not punishing people.  It is correction.

– Make punishment part of play.  That is where that word belongs.

– Limits exist for a reason.  Push them, but do not break them.  Let you submissive come to the realization that some of their limits are holding them back.

– SOME LIMITS EXIST BECAUSE THE SUBMISSIVE NEEDS THEM.  Tread lightly around these.

– Be creative.  Try new things as rewards, corrections, play/scene time, and in your every day actions.

– Give what you get.  Do not expect your submissive to give if all you do is take.  That is not how it works.

Advertisements

Phoning It In?

I have been wondering lately if I have been doing everything I can as a dominant.  I do not feel that I am providing the guidance and correction that my submissive wife desires.

To set the story, there are background reasons behind this, a lot of our relationship was more of a frozen sexual ground.  she was not getting the emotional support she needed and I was not getting the physical support I needed.  The two fed off of each other.  The reasons on both sides run deep, to our cores.

Now we made the move into D/s and my leadership style is to set a goal and let the individual determine how they are going to get there.  I do not want to micromanage.

The problem is that does not work for D/s.  I am finding it requires an amount of micromanagement to be successful.

I need to be aware of the feelings and emotions my submissive is carrying as much as possible.  I need to be more open and verbal.  I need to work with her to find the ways to help her and I improve as individuals, a couple and as Dominant and submissive.

One of the things I think I need is a support structure.  I need an impartial third party in the D/s community to talk to and discuss the Dominant role.  So I am going to look locally and try and follow useful individuals on Twitter and discuss things with them.  I am going to build myself a support structure so I can be the the Dominant my wife deserves.

In the end, I have to stop making Dominance about myself and make it about her. How can I move us along?  How can I help her achieve her goals so that we can become more as a couple?

Things to think on and discuss for this guy.

Married with Children and D/s

I cannot count the number of times this has happened:

Text messages while at work:

Me: “I am going to <FCC Edit> your <Wow… Mom said I could never say that> and shove a broom handle between your <well, I probably could have said that> and make you <I just saw a sailor faint in the corner>.”

wife: “That sounds amazing!  I cannot wait”

Then when I get home, we playfully interact at the table, while the kids are there.  Everyone talking and having fun.   Then there is homework, and chores, and activities, and bedtime rituals with the kiddos and finally there is alone time!

And one of us passes out, exhausted from the day, or the recent events, or the cold we picked up, or one of the kids comes back into the room, or a cat throws up on the floor or…

Yep… life gets in the way; and that is my topic for the day… Since the wife and I came to this D/s, BDSM, Daddy/little (OK, the wife is really more of a middle than a little) – whatever we want to call it, we have found a lot of roadblocks to our success.  The same roadblocks that impact the relationships of our friends, who to our knowledge are not purveyors of the fun world we attempt to live in.

Am I am expert at suspending people in the air?  No
Am I am expert at tying people up on a bench or bed?  No
Am I am expert in all things kink, leather, BDSM, whatever…?  No

What I am, and the wife as my partner… well, we might just be experts in trying to go from a vanilla relationship to a D/s relationship, stumbling about a thousand times and still persisting in our efforts to continue to strengthen our bond and connect with each other.

I am sure there are those out there in the “lifestyle” that would laugh and point out all our failures; but I do not believe in failing.  I believe in trying.  I believe that you dust yourself off and go back at it until you find what works for you.

The wife and I read a bunch of books.  Some had some good information, and some had some bad information.  What we never found was a book that really touched on how does a married couple go from the “traditional vanilla” dynamic to a D/s dynamic while maintaining the important parts of the relationship they have already.

So how does one make that shift, without impacting your family, without changing the world your kids know, without impacting friends?  That is both the easiest part and the hardest part for most people (hard for me – easier for the wife).  It comes down to communication.

Step one: You cannot come to this party with an ego.  Otherwise it is not going to work out well.

Step two: Determine what is working well today.  Maybe it is that you spend two hours a day completely focused on the kids.  Do not let go of that.  Don’t impress D/s into that space.  Keep it the way it is.  Even if everyone is equal during that time, then it should stay that way as long as you can.  Your children will remember those times and the if anything both parents should be the “s” to their “D” for much of those family times, creating opportunities for them to grow, learn, and become the adults that they should be.  (Of course that is in the sense of encouraging the kids to make decisions, not allowing them to run roughshod all over you).

Step three: Put together your list of expectations and goals in a D/s relationship.  Maybe this is as simple as “I want to get tied up and I want you to do it” or more in line with “We would like to establish a deeper relationship that allows us to explore and discover together while opening opportunities for discussion and interaction that were difficult for us in the past”.  Remember when I said leave that ego at the door?  This part is about communicating and working through those things that did not work as well as those that did.

Step four: Did I mention you cannot bring your ego?  Well guess what.  Being a Dominant and learning the ropes is not easy.  You will stumble, you will make your submissive mad.  You will try to be too tough.  You will flip that over and be too soft.  It is a learning experience.  Make it such; and enjoy the ride!

Step five: Here is the good news, if you remember to keep your focus on your kids like parents should and you add in the additional focus on relationship and find those times when you can play.. your relationship will get stronger because you are pushing boundaries and trying new things together.

Of course that is successful because you are talking, you are sharing, and you are keeping to the limits that you have established.  If you as the dominant decide to go out and pick up a second submissive, and your wife is against the idea – that is not communicating, it is not part of a healthy relationship; and it likely to cause trouble.  Now if your wife is into that, I say go for it!  Explore and push all those boundaries you can!

Introducing BDSM into the bedroom

Fellow Purveyors of Kink, welcome to a subject that was kicked off by a post to this blog asking “How do I bring light bondage into the bedroom”.  It is a great question and for many couples it may be all they are looking to get out of the BDSM world.  The question is, how do you introduce it without freaking the other partner out, although personally I suspect that everyone is a bit kinky and is just as paranoid about frighting you as you are towards them.

So I came up with an approach from the submissive side and the dominant side that might just help people to “spice things up”.  Of course if my ramblings provide little to no value, there are dozens of books on Amazon or at your local bookstore that can provide some ideas as well.  The only advantage to my advice is that it is free.

Restraints

OK, tossing a pair of handcuffs into the mix might be a bit much for some people; but there are lots of ways to restrain people.  As a submissive you could whisper into your partner’s ear “hold my hands above my head” to get things started.  Then when you are laying together in the happy after glow you could say something like “I wonder how a tie would feel instead of you holding my hands”.

I remember the first time I played with my wife’s ass, it was years after our children were born and I had never really thought about anal sex or playing with her butt, it just happened that my thumb slid across her anus and she reacted positively so I kept it there.

Afterwords we were talking and she said “I wonder how it would feel to have your thumb inside me”.  Apply the same idea to being restrained and you may find that your partner is willing to come along for the ride.  The moans my wife made that first time certainly enticed me to try even more new things.

As a dominant – you can start with holding their hands above their head, or pressed against their back if you behind her (or him).  Restraining the hands with your hands is a great way to start because your partner can experience the feel of losing that freedom without the fear that ropes can create.

Graduate from there to soft ties (silk ties for example) and work your way up to rope.  It might be an overnight transition or it might take a few weeks (months/years).

Then again, you may never get there – it really depends on the relationship.  The most important part, make sure you talk about what you tried and see how both of you feel about trying it again or going to the next step.

Toys

This one can be a bit tough, it is almost like adding another partner to the mix.  Since most of the toys that come out are for the women, men can feel like they are not enough to satisfy you.   Especially if you bring out a 14 inch plastic wang.  Depending on your fetish here, this may require some serious discussions ahead of time.  Guys may not be terribly excited about getting pegged (having a woman fuck their ass with a dildo).  Some women may not be very excited to try out any toys.

Looking back at the wife and I, we did not have a lot of experience with toys before a few years ago.  While we did do a few light bondage things like tying her to the bed, blindfolds, and spankings we had not made our way into the toy stores.  It was really 50 Shades of Grey that helped out there.  She wanted to try a few toys from the book.

We found that some worked for her; while others did not.  Here I think the best bet is to bite the bullet and discuss the wish to involve some toys into your play.  Again, start small and find the toys that work well for you.  A magic wand is a great toy along with a few dildos and plugs.  It will depend on your tastes and sensitives.

If you feel more submissive in nature and are not sure how to open a conversation about a toy, you could make a purchase (plenty of online stores sell them so you do not have to go into a store and talk to anyone) and wait for your partner to head into the shower or something.  When they come out let them see you with the toy and ask them to help you.  Like I said, this can be a HUGE leap for some guys.

Personally, it turns me on to see the wife masturbate and use her toys.

On the dominant side, I recommend taking the approach to discuss the toys.  However you could try getting a small vibrator and using it against her clit (or his balls) as you fuck them.  Do not try to blow their mind the first time, just get them excited about it.

That can open up the doors to lots of other toys and ideas.

Spanking

Personally I think this one is the easiest.  You can casually spank yourself (as a submissive) in front of your partner or as a dominant you can place the same casual swat on your partner’s ass and see how they respond.

Again, you are going to start with just a couple of strokes.  You do not want to leave your partner (or yourself) black and blue the first time.  However saying “Smack my ass!” while having intercourse can also be a huge turn on.  That can open the doors for having the conversation about getting spanked more often.

The “Trick”

The “trick” is get your partner talking in a non-threatening conversation and to ensure that they feel safe enough with you to try new things.  If you can start with some small event that occurred between the sheets as you cuddle together then you can help your partner to feel good about what they did and encourage more of what you want.

BDSM is not for everyone; and you will likely find a lot more success in a conversation if you can build off of a minor success from a naturally occurring or planned event.  Just remember to keep it simple and try not to overwhelm yourself or your partner.

It might be that BDSM is something that you really want to get into but your partner is not interested.  Then you face a decision, are they worth staying vanilla?  I can promise you that there are people that are worth it; but I think everyone has a bit of a kinky side, they just need to feel safe and secure enough to let it out.

Boundaries

Sometimes when you open the flood gates things can get going quickly.  You want to make sure that you set boundaries and ensure that your partner knows them.  Pick a safe word, make sure that they know you want to be spanked but that spitting on you is off limits, think about what you are interested in.  Going through a BDSM checklist like this one: http://sweetsurrender.org/list.html can help you determine your limits.

In Conclusion…

I recommend picking up a few books like the Kama Sutra and A Little Bit of Kinky or 101 Nights of Great Sex.  Books like 101 Nights of Great Sex can help create an atmosphere where you are trying new things and can identify with your partner the ones that work for you as an individual and as a couple.  Some of them are vanilla, some are kinky, and some are more BDSM style.  It is a good way to try new things (not that I get any money from Laura for pitching her book).

Overall, the key to success in BDSM, in your relationship, and in life is COMMUNICATION!  Sometimes that first conversation needs a little push to get it started, so try some small things and talk about them to see where it leads.

-Sir

Obedience

Obedient: Adjective

Complying or willing to comply with orders or requests; submissive to another’s will.

What does it mean to be obedient? i know that it is what i want to be; i know that i struggle with this at times and i know that it may be something i am not able to achieve for quite some time.  i think trust has a large part in being able to be obedient; i have to know that the standards and expectations that are being put in place for me are for my betterment, that should i fail to meet said expectations i will be held accountable for that but i also need to know that i will be accepted for my shortcomings, loved and encouraged to do better the next time.

When i feel secure in that trust and love i find it very simple to obey, but even when i feel unsure at the bottom of my pushing and questioning and doubt there is they deep underlying desire and need to please you and surrender myself to you; not because i feel you need to change me and hopefully not because you feel like you need to change me.  Rather, i feel like by surrendering, submitting, obeying, i am showing you how deep my love for you goes.  i will do whatever i can to obey you because you make me want to be the best person i can be.

i am not sure if this completely answers the question but i am not sure that it is a question that can fully be answered because i am still evolving into the person i long to be. Just know that my goal is to obey you to the best of my ability.

Your little b

Trying to Get Caught Up

Whew!  i have been on a roller coaster of emotions and energy the last couple of weeks; first we were dealing with the flu and strep in our oldest child so that was about a week of tending to her needs and putting the Sixty Days of Submission and most of D/s on the back burner.  But once she was recovered and back at school i found myself having a very hard time getting back into our regularly scheduled program; i was really thriving on having a set task each day and because of our oldest being home i had to skip around on the list to find things i could do while having her home with me plus my energy was running very low so i had very little left to give to…well…anything.

So last week i found myself beginning to feel ambivalent towards it all; it didn’t seem like Sir was to concerned whether i was completing tasks or not (though i did have a couple of days where i didn’t get to eat lunch because i forgot to pack His) and i was frustrated with myself that i was forgetting to do things that were already a part of our daily routine (see above) and that stupid little voice of doubt started to creep back in and make me wonder why we were doing any of this; was i the only one who wanted it.

Once i had my pity party i started to reevaluate things and the conclusion i came to is, i do need this.  We were still doing things that made it clear that both of us want this dynamic and that i am much happier, much more connected and much more driven when i am feeling submissive.  But being submissive, being a wife and most of all being a mother is a game of balance and sometimes one role is going to be more prominent than others.  It doesn’t mean that being submissive comes first, it doesn’t mean that being a mom or a wife means i have to be less submissive.  It means i have to learn how to be able to shift between the roles and find the pockets that allow me to be all of those things in each one.

So while i have lost track of exactly what day we are on (it should be 39, technically i think we are about 10 days behind that) here are some of the items i was able to do on the list over the last few weeks: make bread in the bread maker (this was a lot of fun, very simple and i am planning on it becoming a weekly routine), write a blog post about what i can offer Sir (see February 25th for that), volunteer for community service once a month, Masturbate twice in a day but stopping before i came each time (that made for a very cranky day, paint my nails and make sure to maintain them from here on out (Sir is supposed to approve the color but we didn’t do that part).  i did fail to complete my task on Saturday, not for lack of want but i didn’t make time for it; i was supposed to write the word “submissive” on my left breast and post a picture of it so last night i found myself tied up and blindfolded while Sir wrote on both breasts for me.

We are going to have to do a little more shifting around over the next two weeks due to both children being home with me for Spring Break; several tasks i will not be able to complete while they are home but hopefully they can be replaced with others that will work.

His little b

Submissive Rules – Still #1

It is funny to watch the stats for the blog, the submissive rules page really kicks the crap out of all the other posts we have made.  Usually it is something like 150 people have viewed the rules, 2 people have viewed other pages.

What concerns me is that people look at the rules and use them to create their own without context, so I wanted to add a disclaimer to our situation.

Several years ago my wife came to me and asked to live a submissive life.  The journey has not been as clear cut as the rules may make it seem and there have been times where the rules have been ignored, bent, changed, and modified.

The first and foremost rule is that my submissive is my wife, she is the mother of our children, she takes care of our pets, and she takes care of the home.

Where the complexity comes in is that I am not big on having people do things for me (possibly part of the root of my DIY desire).  So it is tough for her to submit when I have not be solid on requiring things of her.

That being said, the rules are not perfect, we are not perfect, and no she does not get “beaten” each time she breaks the rules because the truth is that the rules that are important are the ones that we have always followed.  Love each other.

I do not view her as secondary to me, she is not a thing to be used, she is my partner, she willingly chose to want to submit and live more of a “1950’s style housewife” life.  We go out, we spend time as a family, and we keep working on the D/s relationship.

So take the rules that we created, sit down with your dominant or your submissive and discuss what works for you.  Do not forget that real life gets in the way.  Think about friends and family, think about work, think about the things you want to improve in yourself.  Make sure those things find their way into your rules.

Then, do not punish yourself for coming up short.  Your first set of rules is likely to be far to ideal and need to be edited down.  Create reasonable expectations and modify the rules as you go.

For example, maybe you as the dominant want your submissive to kneel anytime you enter a room.  That is a good rule; but day one it might be difficult for her to do so when visiting her mom’s house.  Now a few years in she might feel comfortable but it may take time.

The big thing to remember with our rules is that we had been together for more than 10 years before creating them.  If you are single or starting a relationship then the rules will likely be vastly different.  Maybe it is reasonable to expect her to kneel on day one.  Maybe it is not.

Do not let rules become the reason you break up with someone who is amazing, they are a living document and should evolve with your knowledge of D/s and with your relationship.