Reaching Out

It has been a very long time since i have posted anything here…a VERY long time.  Part of that was because i felt like every post i wrote was about my struggle to find my missing desire to submit and i didn’t want to become redundant; the other part was because for a good part of last year i was unable to even be submissive thanks to a couple of major injuries.  We had moments of D/s and they were much appreciated but truly last year was a very vanilla year and i began to feel as though we had taken a huge step backwards to several years ago.

Over the last month though; Master and i have been working hard to reclaim our D/s dynamic.  Rules are being pulled out again, revised as needed and followed through on.  i have set several goals for myself this year to help me continue to grow and not fall back into struggling again. As an introvert i find it very hard to reach out to strangers to ask for help or even just to strike up a conversation; i am realizing though that in order to grow as a submissive i need to be able to talk with others who may be in a similar situation as ours.  i was getting frustrated for a time because it felt like many of the books and blogs i was finding didn’t seem to relate to our experiences.  Last week though it dawned on me that D/s is not a black and white thing and for someone who thinks like that this has been very difficult to wrap my head around.  i mentioned this to Master yesterday and he said that even relationships that aren’t like ours can still be helpful.  He is correct of course; every book, every blog, every conversation can offer something to us; we may make it part of our own journey or agree that it doesn’t work for us.  i am hopeful that as others find our little corner of the internet; someone will say, “i/we have been in that same place” or “i/we are working to make this part of our lives as well; here is what we are doing” and perhaps it will help us to continue to grow.  We are on a good path so far this year…i am hopeful it will continue in the direction it is going,

his little b

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Trying to find where my heart lays

i’m still searching for the spark; the thing that moved us towards this path in the fall; the emotions i had, the desire, the thrill.  i can’t seem to find it try though i might and it is making me angry with myself because i am the one who put this out there; i am the one who wanted this so much and now i am the one who is struggling to find my way back to where i was in the beginning.

i don’t think it is that the novelty has worn off; first of all we didn’t really have the chance to explore this path deeply enough so i guess we are still in a honeymoon phase but i can remember the tingle i would get when Master would text me an order or the thrill i would get when i knelt by His side or felt the sting of a spanking.  i miss that; i want that; i don’t know how to say it out loud.  i am back to feeling as though this isn’t okay and feeling afraid to embrace my desires, my kinkiness and not because He makes me feel that way.  Quite the opposite; He wants this too…i just have to find my way back to where i was and push through.

The problem is that this feeling of confusion, longing, whatever doesn’t just apply to our relationship but right now i seem to be in a funk on a whole.  Life is everything i could ever hope for and i have moments of happiness but overall something is off and i can’t put my finger on it and that bothers me.  Hopefully Master continues to be patient, loving and supportive as i try to find my way back to the place i want to be…

Expectations Part 2

My last post was in response to a question Master posed of me; asking me to list five things that i like that He does and wish He would do as a Dom.  I have been thinking about this question and wanting to pose the same of Him.  I feel that the rules that He has given me set clear expectations and boundaries for me in regards to attitude and action but i am curious to know what He is really wanting to see happen in this new twist to our relationship.

He asked me because He felt as though He was not meeting my needs or my expectations (which couldn’t be further from the truth!) but i too feel as though i am falling short in His expectations of me.  Since i am the one who pushed for this i often wonder if now that we are trying what does He picture our dynamic to be; what would He want me to do that i’m not already doing (i know one of the things He mentioned to me the other day was He wants me to be more vocal.  i tend to not say what i want for a couple of reasons; partially because i worry that if i am telling Him what i want that i am then directing how things should go and of course that defeats everything we are trying to achieve but also because i am still not one hundred percent comfortable asking for what i want because there is still that part of me that is uncomfortable with this being okay.

A book that i have been reading has reassured me that asking for what you want is not only okay; it is necessary.  i can’t expect Him to be a mind reader and that’s what i have been doing i think. Communication…it is the strongest tool we have in order to make this work. So i hope that Master is able to answer this question of expectations for me as well so that i can better submit and serve Him as i want to be able to.

Expectations

Saturday night Master had taken our oldest child and a friend to an egg hunt.  While He was there i received a text asking me to list five things that i wish He would do or that He does do that i like as a Dom.  At first i was confused by the question but He clarified for me saying He felt like He wasn’t achieving what i hoped He would as my Master and though that by having some ideas from me He could better meet my needs and wishes,

i was a bit taken a back as i am the one who feels i have not been living up to His expectations and meeting His needs as of late.  As i mentioned last week; once i recieved the updated list of rules and expectations i felt myself fitting better into the submissive role that i have wanted to.  But what are my expectations of Him and of our relationship?  At that moment i didn’t have an answer; i feel that wherever He takes me; or us as the case may be for the most part i am happy and eager to try.  There are things that i am still trying to control that i don’t want to; there are things that we have tried or that i know that He wants to that i am still fearful of and i really want to move past that as i know that is a big part of all of this; moving beyond fears, pre-conceived notions and moving out of comfort zones.

So i’ve tucked His question away in my head and when i’ve had free moments i’ve thought about it and i think i can answer a bit better now.  Some of what i want to see happen won’t be able to until i can stay home full time and we discussed that the other night; i want to be the one responsible for taking care of our home and of our family and i want him to truly be the HOH.  But a lot of it can begin to happen right now and hopefully it will.  i am happy with where we are trying to go now; a lot of my uncertainty as far as whether or not He wants this change too has been eased and now we can focus on the question “How far?”.

The things that He does as Master that i love already:

1)i like having the clear set of rules; i like them being spelled out in detail so that there is no question as to what He wants and expects from me.

2)i like when He reminds me that He is in charge; be it through physical contact when He grabs a handful of hair and brings me to my knees or a quiet whisper in my ear that He will do what He wants, when He wants, where He wants and i will be okay with it.  Even thinking about it now as i type makes my stomach flutter.

3)I like that He pushes me to try something even when i am afraid such as trying wax play last night.  The first time was such a bad experience that i am still fearful of it but He insisted that i give it one try and while part of me feels bad that i controlled where he applied it and i think now i should have just gone ahead and trusted Him to place it where He wanted . i also appreciate that He recognized my fear and was gentle with me.

3)i appreciate when He gives me tasks such as this; because not only does it let me know that He is thinking about our relationship and trying hard to step into his role; it helps me to step into mine and really think about all of it and of us.

What I would like to see Him do more of:

1) i think the biggest thing is to make sure He follows through on His expectations and hold me accountable for my actions.  We did talk about this as well the other night and while i recognize that i am an adult and such be responsible for how i behave and whether or not i abide by the set of rules that i have been given I also know that as we are both learning i am going to make mistakes or push and i want to know that He will make sure i remember where my place is.

2)i do expect Him to be patient with me (which He already is; i marvel time and again how he puts up with me especially when i am in one of my insecure self doubting phases such as i have been for the last few months).  But because i am learning to fully trust Him and allow Him to take control of my life i find myself still dragging my heels some and i want Him to pull me through it but understand what a big step this is for me.  i think He knows.

3)i want Him to be physical; i want to be tied up, i want to feel pain, i want to know what it’s like to have to put my full trust in His hands and not be able to question or argue His choices.

4)Above all else; i expect Him to be honest about this.  i want to know if my demands on Him are too great; if He feels like He is giving more that He is getting back and if this aspect of our relationship is not what He really wants it to be.  I feel like He has communicated more openly with me in the last two weeks than He has probably in most of our 16 year relationship and i want that to continue.  It helps me to be able to let go and give everything over to Him.

It’s a lot to ask of Him; but i trust that He will take it to heart; we will talk and we will continue to grow together!

his little b

Sub Space

Lately i have found myself not really in the place i want to or need to be in; a lot of that has been due to exhaustion and a nagging disc bulge in my neck that i am trying to baby for the next two weeks until my race is over.  Part of it has been due to the fact that my role as a submissive hasn’t been consistently enforced of late and it was causing me a good deal of frustration to figure out where i needed to be and beginning to push again to see if Master would put me back there.

He did, of course as He posted yesterday.  The updates to the Rules (we’re now on Version 4.0) have made me feel a bit better as it has been spelled out quite clearly to me what Master wants of me.  This morning was the first that i had to be up and ready for work in over a week and also make sure Master’s needs were taken care of; i fought against the urge to turn of the alarm and go back to sleep…mostly because my ass needed a breather 🙂 so i began my morning routine and found myself happy to be where i was supposed to be.

But i want to figure out how to keep myself where i need to be when i need to be.  i am constantly worrying about things; most of the time it is making sure i am taking care of everything and everyone i need to (and between family and work there is a lot) and so there are times when i am not fully present on what i need to be.  Master wrote a few weeks back about the challenge of not having others to share our questions and experiences with.  He’d probably be fine going to a meetup group and talking face to face with others who share our similar relationship dynamic but i am completely not…not at this point.  i am already uncomfortable around strangers and very shy but add to the fact that i am also very private about what goes on between us (not because i am in anyway ashamed; quite the opposite.  i love the fact that we have begun to explore this side of us; it feels wonderful not to hide behind what i thought was wrong) and the thought of speaking face to face with others about it makes me cringe.  Even the thought of posting on the walls of the blogs that i read frequently makes me uncomfortable and yet i know to talk to others that have been where we have been and can maybe shed some light and wisdom on moving into a D/s relationship while balancing a family and life would be so beneficial.

Maybe someday i’ll move out from behind the curtain…

his little b

Learning her Place

As of late, I suspect that the confusion of the transition between the sleepy people we have been, slacking off in our D/s roles has lead to the current situation.  As we go through reloading the rules I have found that she has been very lax in the basic tenets of our relationship.  Now that we are heading back “towards the light (where she likes to be)” and out of the grey (where I often thrive) I have had to correct her several times this week.

she has forgotten to correctly:

  • Care for me (iron my clothes)
  • Wake me up correctly
  • she has been talking back a bit as of late [to see what would happen].

Over the weekend she found herself tied up several times and by the end of the night her ass was red as she choked out the count as my hand slapped across her ass.

I am pleased to say that she woke me up correctly today and that my clothes for tomorrow are already ironed.  Tonight she might just get rewarded with some pleasurable time in the dungeon (OK… it is the basement); but she loves to be on her knees down there doing as she is told.

It is good to have a submissive that wants to serve and needs structure.  I will work hard at keeping her.

Reloading

As part of the reloading process, I have developed / improved /modified the rules based on the first go round (actually this was my fourth draft).  I still think there is room for improvement but it would not be much of an adventure if we got it right the first time!

The new rules are posted and I created what I call “The Ten Commandments“.  A list of the over-arching guidelines and things that I thought were important to the foundation of our D/s relationship.  The core of which are trust and love (at least in a relationship where you have been together for many years and have kids, pets, and a mortgage).