It started out with my weekly dusting routine; I didn’t have a chance to get upstairs finished yesterday so it was first on the list for today.
We have a shelf/shadow box in our bedroom that holds little knickknacks that both of us have acquired over the years; more mine than Daddy’s as I tend to be a horder…I mean sentimentalist.
But as I am now the primary keeper of our house I am finding that having to take the time to take every last item off of every last shelf to dust them as well as the shelf itself is annoying and time consuming. As I looked at the things on the shelf I found myself wondering what really meant something to me up there and what was just there because I was simply holding on to it. I texted Daddy and asked him about a few of the things that belonged to him to see if he wanted to keep them. Two of them he did and the rest he was indifferent to.
So I started to make piles; things that had meaning like the little figurine Daddy gave me for my first birthday that we were dating; a small memory box our oldest child made for me for Mothers Day when she was two; the small clay sculptures Daddy had made when he was little. A pile of things we wanted to keep but needed to find a place elsewhere in the house and finally the things I was ready to let go of; including the shelf itself.
I moved onto the shelves in our hallway that had my doll collection and various trophies and medals. Again I began making piles and by the end everything I decided to keep fit on two small shelves.
I expected to have a hard time letting go of all of these things; many of them I had been holding onto since childhood. But I found myself feeling free almost; there were memories in everything I had let go of but the things that remained were the important ones.
And suddenly I realize it was time to start decluttering myself. I tend to hold onto a lot; anger, hurt, sadness and sometimes those block out the worthwhile thoughts and memories. Prior to meeting Daddy I was involved in an emotionally abusive relationship and all of that baggage often clouded my relationship with him; even eighteen years later. Those weren’t the only things I needed to let go off; the guilt and anger I have felt towards Daddy in the past prior to our dynamic shift, the years of pushing him away and the dislike I have towards myself.
I view the change our relationship has taken as a freeing thing. We are much more open with each other, we are willing to work on the things that strengthen us, I am finding myself wanting to move beyond boundaries. It is helping me let go and focus on what brings me happiness and what matters most. I won’t be able to declutter everything at once; but I’m sorting through and making piles.
While D/s has taken a bit of a backseat for us over the last few months there have been moments where we were able to step into our roles and relish them. As I have stated in the past, as a black and white thinker I have a hard time when things are in the grey…and that has where we have been for a very long time.
But I realized that D/s isn’t a black and white issue; most of it is in the grey because what one couples dynamic entails may not work for another. Similarly our D/s dynamic may not seem true to others or it may even seem to be ideal to others. Life controls our path and sometimes it leads us away from where we want to be.
Then over the last few weeks life took me to a terrible place that I haven’t experienced in some time. In a six day period I had two family members and a friend pass away and while dealing with my grief I was also fighting illness that left me feeling very much like I did when I had mono. I couldn’t deal with much and Daddy ordered me to bed for most of that time in order to keep my sanity and conserve what little energy I had.
But from this period of chaos came a beautiful thing; I found myself feeling the D/s dynamic we have working to find all this time. Daddy had truly been my safe place; he cuddled me and protected me, he listened as I sobbed and worried about my family and our future, he made sure that our little family was taken care of by making dinners and taking the children where they needed to be, but mostly he gave and gave without asking for anything in return. I felt so safe, so full and so wanting to give to him in return.
So yesterday I was given roses and these
in them are instructions from Daddy on how our routines and roles will play from here on. I was reluctant at first because emotionally I wasn’t sure I was ready to take up our D/s full time but then I realized that I was because I know that we are evolving together and that while life may sometimes make this journey difficult; it is our journey…wherever it takes us and we will face the grey together and make it ours.
His little b
…lies my need for pain…my need to be owned…and Sir gives me all of that and more.
Complying or willing to comply with orders or requests; submissive to another’s will.
What does it mean to be obedient? i know that it is what i want to be; i know that i struggle with this at times and i know that it may be something i am not able to achieve for quite some time. i think trust has a large part in being able to be obedient; i have to know that the standards and expectations that are being put in place for me are for my betterment, that should i fail to meet said expectations i will be held accountable for that but i also need to know that i will be accepted for my shortcomings, loved and encouraged to do better the next time.
When i feel secure in that trust and love i find it very simple to obey, but even when i feel unsure at the bottom of my pushing and questioning and doubt there is they deep underlying desire and need to please you and surrender myself to you; not because i feel you need to change me and hopefully not because you feel like you need to change me. Rather, i feel like by surrendering, submitting, obeying, i am showing you how deep my love for you goes. i will do whatever i can to obey you because you make me want to be the best person i can be.
i am not sure if this completely answers the question but i am not sure that it is a question that can fully be answered because i am still evolving into the person i long to be. Just know that my goal is to obey you to the best of my ability.
Your little b
Whew! i have been on a roller coaster of emotions and energy the last couple of weeks; first we were dealing with the flu and strep in our oldest child so that was about a week of tending to her needs and putting the Sixty Days of Submission and most of D/s on the back burner. But once she was recovered and back at school i found myself having a very hard time getting back into our regularly scheduled program; i was really thriving on having a set task each day and because of our oldest being home i had to skip around on the list to find things i could do while having her home with me plus my energy was running very low so i had very little left to give to…well…anything.
So last week i found myself beginning to feel ambivalent towards it all; it didn’t seem like Sir was to concerned whether i was completing tasks or not (though i did have a couple of days where i didn’t get to eat lunch because i forgot to pack His) and i was frustrated with myself that i was forgetting to do things that were already a part of our daily routine (see above) and that stupid little voice of doubt started to creep back in and make me wonder why we were doing any of this; was i the only one who wanted it.
Once i had my pity party i started to reevaluate things and the conclusion i came to is, i do need this. We were still doing things that made it clear that both of us want this dynamic and that i am much happier, much more connected and much more driven when i am feeling submissive. But being submissive, being a wife and most of all being a mother is a game of balance and sometimes one role is going to be more prominent than others. It doesn’t mean that being submissive comes first, it doesn’t mean that being a mom or a wife means i have to be less submissive. It means i have to learn how to be able to shift between the roles and find the pockets that allow me to be all of those things in each one.
So while i have lost track of exactly what day we are on (it should be 39, technically i think we are about 10 days behind that) here are some of the items i was able to do on the list over the last few weeks: make bread in the bread maker (this was a lot of fun, very simple and i am planning on it becoming a weekly routine), write a blog post about what i can offer Sir (see February 25th for that), volunteer for community service once a month, Masturbate twice in a day but stopping before i came each time (that made for a very cranky day, paint my nails and make sure to maintain them from here on out (Sir is supposed to approve the color but we didn’t do that part). i did fail to complete my task on Saturday, not for lack of want but i didn’t make time for it; i was supposed to write the word “submissive” on my left breast and post a picture of it so last night i found myself tied up and blindfolded while Sir wrote on both breasts for me.
We are going to have to do a little more shifting around over the next two weeks due to both children being home with me for Spring Break; several tasks i will not be able to complete while they are home but hopefully they can be replaced with others that will work.
His little b
As You whispered into my ear i could feel myself getting lost in Your words, the deeper i went the more i began to let go. As soon as i moved Your hand to my neck i knew i was finally there and for the first time i flew. The tears that came were from the relief in knowing i could give myself to You and as we came together i savored that surrender.
Thank you, Sir. i love You.
Your little b