my gifts i give to You.

Dear Master-

You ask me what I can offer to you physically, emotionally and sexually.  After careful thought during my meditation time today i have focused on the following gifts i can give to you freely and lovingly.

Physically i can offer you my body to play with, to bind, to beat, to caress as you wish, when you wish to. i can kneel happily at your feet, i can massage your body when it needs care, i can do for you when you cannot and do so with joy.

Emotionally i can give you my whole heart always; i will be there to cheer you on, i will be here for you to turn to when you need someone to listen,  i will open my arms to you should you ever need to just be held. i will be strong for you when you need me to be.  No matter what; i am here for you.

Sexually i will worship your cock, i will work to satisfy your needs, your whims, your darkest fantasies.  i will do my best to let go of my inhibitions and push past those limits that scare me because i know you will keep me safe.  i will do myself to make you want me, i will make myself available to you as you want me, whenever you want me and i will make you proud to own me.

Most of all, i will work to put your needs as well as the needs of our family before my own.  i will do my best to make you proud of me, to feel honored to own me and to make sure you know that all that i do, i do to please you because you are my everything and i want to be deserving of your collar.

These are the gifts i give to you; i hope you cherish them.

Your little b

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A small interlude

Our oldest child has been sick with the flu and strep for the last few days and since she is needing a little extra TLC from us both; some aspects of what we do plus several of the tasks in my sixty day challenge have had to be put on the back burner. It dawned on me today that even though there are things we cannot do right now; we have definitely begun to switch more firmly into our roles because there are still many parts of our daily dynamic that are present….it thrills me to no end.

i have been instructed to make sure that i make time for my meditation today; in the appropriate position and attire regardless of the fact that i am not home alone.  Thank goodness we have plenty of movies to keep her occupied. Hopefully i can resume the actual tasks on my list by Thursday.

His little b

Sixty Days of Submission-Days 20 and 21…and 18 because i forgot it the other day.

The last few days have been very busy and stressful for me; yesterday i spent six hours testing for my first degree black belt in the martial art that we practice (this was the fourth of five tests) and it takes a lot of mental and emotional preparation on top of the physical training that goes into it.  Going into the test i mentally likened it to my journey; emotionally and physically i am pushed beyond my limits and at times i feel as though i can go no further but in the end i come out feeling invigorated, sore and proud.

So my tasks the last few days have been fairly easy and for that i am thankful.  i realized late Friday night that i hadn’t posted about Day 18 because i had been so wrapped up in the aftermath of the following day.  So to bring you up to speed here are the last few days of the challenge.

Day 18:Admire yourself in the mirror and make a list of items that you like.  Failure to do so will result in having to write “i am a bad girl and did not do as Master commanded” 100 times, numbered, on lined paper then post a photo to Twitter with Master tagged in it.

So of course i wasn’t particularly thrilled with this task; physically there aren’t a ton of things i admire about myself but i was able to come up with about ten items which was more than i thought i would so that was good.

Day 20:Pack a lunch for Master each morning; if Master does not have a lunch then i do not get to eat lunch that day.

No problem here; i have been wanting to do this for him for a while so i welcomed the task.

Day 21:Order a new toy and use on yourself in front of me when it arrives (it arrives tomorrow).  Failure to do so results in two hours on the stool in the playroom/workroom with the lights out (there are no windows in there so it would be pitch black).

I will post more on the results of this once it arrives and has been used.

Now to go soak my weary muscles in the tub…hopefully Master comes to join me. 😉

His little b

Sixty Days of Submission-Day 19 and some soul searching.

A few years ago when i brought up the idea of shifting our relationship to one that is D/s in nature one of the driving desires behind it was to help me learn to give up my constant need to control every aspect of my life and to an extent; those around me.  i am a control freak; i know i have said this before. i crave routine, predictability, i like things to be exactly as I expect them to be and i get very frustrated and upset if things don’t follow my plans.  It has taken me a very long time to realize that by acting this way my unhappiness was not actually from things not going according to my plans but rather the fact that I didn’t allow myself to enjoy the journeys and unexpected joys that can come from plans going a different way.

As we have stated previously, this journey into D/s has not gone the way either of us had planned it to.  We have had to begin again several times, we have had to adjust and recreate rules and expectations and we have both had to make allowances for each other when our lives didn’t allow us to be where we wanted to be.  That part has been fine for me (other than my frustration with myself and my body when I wasn’t able to submit as fully as my heart wanted to) in fact it has probably been what has helped me realize that life cannot be planned out ahead of time; we can have ideas and work to the best of our ability to reach our goals but it’s not going to come quickly and it is not going to happen easily.

When Master presented me with the challenge of Sixty Days of Submission i was excited to get started; to me it was a true sign that we were both embracing this shift and while there were tasks on the list that i wasn’t thrilled about i was still open to giving them a try…i thought.

Then i would get to a day that presented me with one of those tasks i didn’t want to do and suddenly i found myself trying to decide whether it would be better to just take the punishment rather than do the task or if i could somehow convince Master to adjust things for my comfort.  If you have been reading along over the last two and a half weeks you know I have failed several times already, some we have had to adjust due to life but others were modified because i requested them to be and Master being the kind person he is allowed for that.

Yesterday’s task was the second one that i have had so far that i have not looked forward to.  It was to suck Master’s cock until he came and then swallow and thank him for the gift that he gave me; if i failed to do so i would have to watch him masturbate to porn.

Ironically, learning to swallow cum was on my list of personal goals for the year.  i love to suck his cock but I have a strong gag reflex and i have only been able to do this once in the seventeen years we have been together and it didn’t end well.  When i put it on my list of goals my thought was that it would be a gradual process, perhaps getting him to the point of cuming and letting it go on my lips, then eventually in my mouth but not swallowing and then at some point being able to swallow.  i figured it would be a yearlong “let’s try it and see what happens” kind of thing but as Master said yesterday, “It’s not really a gradual process”.  i was faced with a dilemma here; I knew that i didn’t want the punishment because ihave issues with porn (i will save that for another post) and i knew that having to sit and watch that would be probably as bad as having to be in the dog cage for me.  So i tried to get Master to let me just go with cuming in my mouth but being able to spit it out.  He agreed and all seemed okay.

Until later in the day when i was having my meditation time; it was right then that i realized that i was doing exactly what i didn’t want to be doing and that was controlling the situation.  i know that being submissive doesn’t mean being a doormat, i know that there is room for discussion, but it really hit me that this is one of those instances where A)i am having to move out of my comfort zone and that is what i wanted and B)This isn’t about me, the point of all of this, the thing i wanted to get out of this was to put Master’s needs before my own and to please him.  By changing the situation i am pleasing ME not HIM.

And so i sent him a text saying that i wanted to go ahead and do the task as written because it was the right way to do it. Then life got in the way and it wasn’t until later in the evening that we would have had a chance to complete the task.  But as we were getting ready to shower, Master was taking care of something in our bathroom; something minor but something that would have been done a lot faster had i helped.  But it wasn’t really in my mind; it didn’t seem like that big of a deal until he said something at which point I got sassy and joked about my helping making such a big deal.  No biggie until he said half-jokingly, “You don’t have a submissive bone in your body”.

Ouch.

Here’s the thing; part of me knew he was joking but that little voice of doubt that I keep trying to push away came back.  Maybe i wasn’t doing as good of a job submitting as i thought i was, i thought i had been doing a better job of making sure his needs were met.  But did he say that because it was truly how he felt? Did he not know how happy and at peace i have been over the last few years, even more so over the last several months because I finally feel like i am becoming the person i have wanted to be for so long? That finally i realize that my kinky and submissive desires are not a bad thing but ones that have made me feel more connected and loved than I have ever felt before?

What it gets down to is that stupid need for control.  Giving up control allows for submission, being in a place of submission allows you to see things that need to be attended to without being asked. My unsettled feeling about trying to control yesterday led to me being more defensive about something minor last night but if i were more submissive i would have stepped in and helped without being asked. Maybe he’s right; maybe i don’t have a submissive bone in my body.  If I don’t have one now; i want to…i’ve always wanted to and i want him to be the one to guide me to that place.  Needless to say; yesterday’s task was not completed and so I have a punishment to serve.  Yesterday i would have tried to debate this; I would have said that due to the way the day ended i didn’t have the chance to complete it.  But today; i accept my punishment and know that while it will pain me to do so it will help me get that much closer to where i want to be. i am humbled and at peace this morning.

His little b

Sixty Days of Submission-Days 15, 16 and 17

i have gone and let several days slip by without posting again; good thing that is not on of Master’s tasks for me or i would probably be writing this with a stinging derriere. 😉

Day 15 has not actually been completed; the task was to bathe Master in the tub and then suck and ride his cock until he came; failure to do so would result in me not being allowed to shower and wash him for three days (this is one of my favorite things to do for him).  However, Master was quite exhausted the night that this was supposed to occur and so we have not yet had a chance to catch up.  i am hoping tonight will give us a chance.

Day 16 was to begin to spend ten minutes each day meditating on my submission and how i feel about it, how things are going and if there is anything Master can do to help me be successful.  Failure to do so results in twenty minutes spent sitting on the time out stool to complete the time.

i will just say that twenty minutes sitting on a hard wooden stool is very, very, very, boring.

i should have been able to find ten minutes yesterday even though the children were home with me but i didn’t so while Master was downstairs getting things ready for us to play i sat in the middle of our bedroom alone and thinking. i felt more silly than submissive so i am wondering if perhaps finding a more submissive position to be in while meditating might not help me out a bit more.

Day 17-Every weekday at 7:15 i am to have breakfast on the table; what i make to eat is my decision but failure to have it ready results in Master making his own meal and i will sit at his feet while he eats. i have already gotten into the habit of making sure he has something to eat before heading out to work (again, i enjoy doing this for him) though having it on the table by 7:15 is going to take a little work.  i am NOT a morning person and although our oldest has to be downstairs eating by 7 in order for her to make the bus on time i am usually still half asleep at the table so i guess i am going to have to start pushing myself to get up and moving…although i am not opposed to sitting at Master’s feet while he eats.

His little b

Sixty Days of Submission-Days 11-14

It’s been a little busy around here and the last couple of tasks were kind of smallish so there wasn’t a lot for me to talk about.

Day 11:Write an erotic story or blog post weekly; write a story at least every other week.  Punishment will be wearing underwear for a week.

So, this task has been modified slightly after some discussion with Master; i find it difficult to write “fantasies” let alone share them for all the world to see.  From stories that i have read there doesn’t seem to be a lot of variation (perhaps i am looking in the wrong places) and so trying to come up with original thought every other week was daunting at least at this time.  So Master agreed to let me try writing stories but only sharing them with Him.

Day 12: Create a “Sir Do” list of tasks around the house including items i wish to purchase and we will discuss.  Failure to make a list results in Master enjoying all of 2015 without any tasks to complete.

It’s a short list though He has said that it can be added onto as the year progresses and obviously not everything on the list will be possible this year; i am okay with that.

Then came yesterday, Day 13.  i feel as though i should have just taken the punishment instead of the task because the task was actually worse…well, part of it anyway.

Go to Fifty Shades of Grey in a skirt, play with yourself during the movie and let Me taste your fingers from time to time. Punishment will be writing a 100-150 word essay as to how you disobeyed; publish to the blog.

If only He had picked any other movie…ANY other movie i would have been fine with it but sitting through that trainwreck was two hours of my life that i can’t get back.  i did take satisfaction knowing that we were probably the only ones sitting in that theatre that knew that it was not an accurate portrayal of what a D/s relationship was like.

But today’s task made up for it, Day 14:Make Valentine’s Day special for our children or see the sad looks on their faces as the holiday passes by without any joy.

Master and i decorated the house with streamers and balloons for our children to wake up to; we made pink heart pancakes along with donuts and chocolate milk served in wine glasses. They were so excited about it all which made my heart so very happy.  i am not a big fan of this “holiday” because i feel that love should be expressed everyday and not through materialistic goods but the joy that our children felt today was the best gift ever!

i am at my happiest when i know that those i love are being cared for by me; it is when i truly feel connected to my submissiveness and i embrace it that much more.  From here on out; i think that is the approach i am going to take to Valentine’s Day because it is the gift i want the most.

His little b

Sixty Days of Submission-Days 9 and 10

Yesterday was a two for one deal since Master worked from home on Monday.

Day 9: I will let you know when I am leaving work and when I reach the exit from the highway.  You will ensure that you have showered and make yourself presentable after the day of taking care of the home.  A glass of water and the mail will be placed at my spot at the table.  If home alone, you will kneel next to my chair naked; if the children are home you will wait by the counter to welcome me. One stroke for failing to ensure your body is clean and prepared for my use.One stroke for failing to have a glass of water ready.One stroke for the mail not being in the appropriate place.One stroke for each article of clothing you are wearing if home alone.One stroke if you are not standing at the island waiting for me if family or friends are there.

This task is not a new one for me; we began this routine about a month ago but it is a good reminder for me to be prepared for Master when He arrives home.

Day 10: At the concert, wear the vibrating kegel balls while I use the remote. Punishment will be spending a night in the dog cage without a pillow.

You can be absolutely certain i was not going to argue with this one.  The Kegel balls weren’t so much balls but rather a vibrating/rotating plug and initially when i put it in i wasn’t feeling a whole lot; later i discovered that there were different settings and Master got a great deal of pleasure playing with them and watching my reactions.  We were with friends and so that made things interesting for me trying to keep my reactions as controlled as i could but there were a few times i thought i was going to lose it (in a good way). i actually found myself disappointed towards the end of the night because the battery ran down so i would say that the experience was a success.

It was a great evening.

His little b