Obedience

Obedient: Adjective

Complying or willing to comply with orders or requests; submissive to another’s will.

What does it mean to be obedient? i know that it is what i want to be; i know that i struggle with this at times and i know that it may be something i am not able to achieve for quite some time.  i think trust has a large part in being able to be obedient; i have to know that the standards and expectations that are being put in place for me are for my betterment, that should i fail to meet said expectations i will be held accountable for that but i also need to know that i will be accepted for my shortcomings, loved and encouraged to do better the next time.

When i feel secure in that trust and love i find it very simple to obey, but even when i feel unsure at the bottom of my pushing and questioning and doubt there is they deep underlying desire and need to please you and surrender myself to you; not because i feel you need to change me and hopefully not because you feel like you need to change me.  Rather, i feel like by surrendering, submitting, obeying, i am showing you how deep my love for you goes.  i will do whatever i can to obey you because you make me want to be the best person i can be.

i am not sure if this completely answers the question but i am not sure that it is a question that can fully be answered because i am still evolving into the person i long to be. Just know that my goal is to obey you to the best of my ability.

Your little b

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Trying to Get Caught Up

Whew!  i have been on a roller coaster of emotions and energy the last couple of weeks; first we were dealing with the flu and strep in our oldest child so that was about a week of tending to her needs and putting the Sixty Days of Submission and most of D/s on the back burner.  But once she was recovered and back at school i found myself having a very hard time getting back into our regularly scheduled program; i was really thriving on having a set task each day and because of our oldest being home i had to skip around on the list to find things i could do while having her home with me plus my energy was running very low so i had very little left to give to…well…anything.

So last week i found myself beginning to feel ambivalent towards it all; it didn’t seem like Sir was to concerned whether i was completing tasks or not (though i did have a couple of days where i didn’t get to eat lunch because i forgot to pack His) and i was frustrated with myself that i was forgetting to do things that were already a part of our daily routine (see above) and that stupid little voice of doubt started to creep back in and make me wonder why we were doing any of this; was i the only one who wanted it.

Once i had my pity party i started to reevaluate things and the conclusion i came to is, i do need this.  We were still doing things that made it clear that both of us want this dynamic and that i am much happier, much more connected and much more driven when i am feeling submissive.  But being submissive, being a wife and most of all being a mother is a game of balance and sometimes one role is going to be more prominent than others.  It doesn’t mean that being submissive comes first, it doesn’t mean that being a mom or a wife means i have to be less submissive.  It means i have to learn how to be able to shift between the roles and find the pockets that allow me to be all of those things in each one.

So while i have lost track of exactly what day we are on (it should be 39, technically i think we are about 10 days behind that) here are some of the items i was able to do on the list over the last few weeks: make bread in the bread maker (this was a lot of fun, very simple and i am planning on it becoming a weekly routine), write a blog post about what i can offer Sir (see February 25th for that), volunteer for community service once a month, Masturbate twice in a day but stopping before i came each time (that made for a very cranky day, paint my nails and make sure to maintain them from here on out (Sir is supposed to approve the color but we didn’t do that part).  i did fail to complete my task on Saturday, not for lack of want but i didn’t make time for it; i was supposed to write the word “submissive” on my left breast and post a picture of it so last night i found myself tied up and blindfolded while Sir wrote on both breasts for me.

We are going to have to do a little more shifting around over the next two weeks due to both children being home with me for Spring Break; several tasks i will not be able to complete while they are home but hopefully they can be replaced with others that will work.

His little b

Sweet Surrender

As You whispered into my ear i could feel myself getting lost in Your words, the deeper i went the more i began to let go.  As soon as i moved Your hand to my neck i knew i was finally there and for the first time i flew.  The tears that came were from the relief in knowing i could give myself to You and as we came together i savored that surrender.

Thank you, Sir.  i love You.

Your little b

Sixty Days of Submission-Days 11-14

It’s been a little busy around here and the last couple of tasks were kind of smallish so there wasn’t a lot for me to talk about.

Day 11:Write an erotic story or blog post weekly; write a story at least every other week.  Punishment will be wearing underwear for a week.

So, this task has been modified slightly after some discussion with Master; i find it difficult to write “fantasies” let alone share them for all the world to see.  From stories that i have read there doesn’t seem to be a lot of variation (perhaps i am looking in the wrong places) and so trying to come up with original thought every other week was daunting at least at this time.  So Master agreed to let me try writing stories but only sharing them with Him.

Day 12: Create a “Sir Do” list of tasks around the house including items i wish to purchase and we will discuss.  Failure to make a list results in Master enjoying all of 2015 without any tasks to complete.

It’s a short list though He has said that it can be added onto as the year progresses and obviously not everything on the list will be possible this year; i am okay with that.

Then came yesterday, Day 13.  i feel as though i should have just taken the punishment instead of the task because the task was actually worse…well, part of it anyway.

Go to Fifty Shades of Grey in a skirt, play with yourself during the movie and let Me taste your fingers from time to time. Punishment will be writing a 100-150 word essay as to how you disobeyed; publish to the blog.

If only He had picked any other movie…ANY other movie i would have been fine with it but sitting through that trainwreck was two hours of my life that i can’t get back.  i did take satisfaction knowing that we were probably the only ones sitting in that theatre that knew that it was not an accurate portrayal of what a D/s relationship was like.

But today’s task made up for it, Day 14:Make Valentine’s Day special for our children or see the sad looks on their faces as the holiday passes by without any joy.

Master and i decorated the house with streamers and balloons for our children to wake up to; we made pink heart pancakes along with donuts and chocolate milk served in wine glasses. They were so excited about it all which made my heart so very happy.  i am not a big fan of this “holiday” because i feel that love should be expressed everyday and not through materialistic goods but the joy that our children felt today was the best gift ever!

i am at my happiest when i know that those i love are being cared for by me; it is when i truly feel connected to my submissiveness and i embrace it that much more.  From here on out; i think that is the approach i am going to take to Valentine’s Day because it is the gift i want the most.

His little b

Sixty Days of Submission-Days 9 and 10

Yesterday was a two for one deal since Master worked from home on Monday.

Day 9: I will let you know when I am leaving work and when I reach the exit from the highway.  You will ensure that you have showered and make yourself presentable after the day of taking care of the home.  A glass of water and the mail will be placed at my spot at the table.  If home alone, you will kneel next to my chair naked; if the children are home you will wait by the counter to welcome me. One stroke for failing to ensure your body is clean and prepared for my use.One stroke for failing to have a glass of water ready.One stroke for the mail not being in the appropriate place.One stroke for each article of clothing you are wearing if home alone.One stroke if you are not standing at the island waiting for me if family or friends are there.

This task is not a new one for me; we began this routine about a month ago but it is a good reminder for me to be prepared for Master when He arrives home.

Day 10: At the concert, wear the vibrating kegel balls while I use the remote. Punishment will be spending a night in the dog cage without a pillow.

You can be absolutely certain i was not going to argue with this one.  The Kegel balls weren’t so much balls but rather a vibrating/rotating plug and initially when i put it in i wasn’t feeling a whole lot; later i discovered that there were different settings and Master got a great deal of pleasure playing with them and watching my reactions.  We were with friends and so that made things interesting for me trying to keep my reactions as controlled as i could but there were a few times i thought i was going to lose it (in a good way). i actually found myself disappointed towards the end of the night because the battery ran down so i would say that the experience was a success.

It was a great evening.

His little b

Sixty Days of Submission-Day 4

Today’s task:Create a journal of your submission, share it with me on Sunday evenings.  This may be completed during the meditation and reflection period of each day (See Feb 16). Five strokes as punishment for each day that there is no content.

Obviously this task will be ongoing from here on out; i haven’t really begun spending time each day meditating and reflecting on my role as a submissive but i do think about it as i move through the day.  To me keeping a journal (beyond the blog here) will be an excellent way for me to communicate on a deeper level with Master.  i often find it difficult to put my thoughts and feelings into spoken words; i think it is easier to explain myself when i write because i can take more time thinking about what i want to say and how i want to say it. i am hoping that down the road the journal will become for both of us and Master will too write about His experience moving into the role of the Dominant; i am curious to know more about His thoughts.

His little b

Sixty Days of Submission-Day 2

Today’s Task:Print out and complete the BDSM checklist at http://www.cepemo.com/checklist.html; one stroke per item not completed as punishment.  There were 200 items on the list.

This proved to be much more of a challenge than i expected; not just because of the number of questions (and Master ended up paring the list down a bit because we both felt that some of the questions were geared towards someone who was looking for a partner while others we both knew were hard limits for us both) but also because many of the questions didn’t have a clear cut answer and needed to be discussed further.  Some of the questions i felt indifference to such as clothing and role play; i would do them both if Master wished me to but if it were my choice i probably wouldn’t think about it.

The biggest challenge i found was actually answering some of the questions that we already do.  As a masochist obviously pain is high on my list of things that i enjoy; however i do differentiate between sensual spanking/beating and punitive and so to answer on a scale of 1-5 whether i enjoy certain aspects of beating…well…i enjoy a good spanking and often find it helps bring me back to where i need to be.  I don’t enjoy when i receive a punitive beating because it hurts in a different way but i do appreciate it because it reminds me to watch myself and my actions.  So i ended up leaving a few unanswered and suggested to Master that perhaps the checklist would be better answered face to face.  i love that it opened up a great dialogue between us tonight; he told me that he wasn’t surprised by any of my answers and limits but wanted to see what i would answer if asked to and i asked him if there was anything that i answered low on my list of likes that maybe he wanted to try more of.  He said no; that our answers lined up pretty much the same although he is much more open minded to public acts where they are definite hard limits for me,

All in all; i would say today was very helpful for me to really voice to Master where i hope our relationship will head and to be able to put more trust in him to lead me to my limits and then push me just a little bit further.  Every day i can see how committed he is to making this work for us and it pushes me to let go and surrender to him.

i will go to sleep tonight feeling quite at peace.

his little b