Married with Children and D/s

I cannot count the number of times this has happened:

Text messages while at work:

Me: “I am going to <FCC Edit> your <Wow… Mom said I could never say that> and shove a broom handle between your <well, I probably could have said that> and make you <I just saw a sailor faint in the corner>.”

wife: “That sounds amazing!  I cannot wait”

Then when I get home, we playfully interact at the table, while the kids are there.  Everyone talking and having fun.   Then there is homework, and chores, and activities, and bedtime rituals with the kiddos and finally there is alone time!

And one of us passes out, exhausted from the day, or the recent events, or the cold we picked up, or one of the kids comes back into the room, or a cat throws up on the floor or…

Yep… life gets in the way; and that is my topic for the day… Since the wife and I came to this D/s, BDSM, Daddy/little (OK, the wife is really more of a middle than a little) – whatever we want to call it, we have found a lot of roadblocks to our success.  The same roadblocks that impact the relationships of our friends, who to our knowledge are not purveyors of the fun world we attempt to live in.

Am I am expert at suspending people in the air?  No
Am I am expert at tying people up on a bench or bed?  No
Am I am expert in all things kink, leather, BDSM, whatever…?  No

What I am, and the wife as my partner… well, we might just be experts in trying to go from a vanilla relationship to a D/s relationship, stumbling about a thousand times and still persisting in our efforts to continue to strengthen our bond and connect with each other.

I am sure there are those out there in the “lifestyle” that would laugh and point out all our failures; but I do not believe in failing.  I believe in trying.  I believe that you dust yourself off and go back at it until you find what works for you.

The wife and I read a bunch of books.  Some had some good information, and some had some bad information.  What we never found was a book that really touched on how does a married couple go from the “traditional vanilla” dynamic to a D/s dynamic while maintaining the important parts of the relationship they have already.

So how does one make that shift, without impacting your family, without changing the world your kids know, without impacting friends?  That is both the easiest part and the hardest part for most people (hard for me – easier for the wife).  It comes down to communication.

Step one: You cannot come to this party with an ego.  Otherwise it is not going to work out well.

Step two: Determine what is working well today.  Maybe it is that you spend two hours a day completely focused on the kids.  Do not let go of that.  Don’t impress D/s into that space.  Keep it the way it is.  Even if everyone is equal during that time, then it should stay that way as long as you can.  Your children will remember those times and the if anything both parents should be the “s” to their “D” for much of those family times, creating opportunities for them to grow, learn, and become the adults that they should be.  (Of course that is in the sense of encouraging the kids to make decisions, not allowing them to run roughshod all over you).

Step three: Put together your list of expectations and goals in a D/s relationship.  Maybe this is as simple as “I want to get tied up and I want you to do it” or more in line with “We would like to establish a deeper relationship that allows us to explore and discover together while opening opportunities for discussion and interaction that were difficult for us in the past”.  Remember when I said leave that ego at the door?  This part is about communicating and working through those things that did not work as well as those that did.

Step four: Did I mention you cannot bring your ego?  Well guess what.  Being a Dominant and learning the ropes is not easy.  You will stumble, you will make your submissive mad.  You will try to be too tough.  You will flip that over and be too soft.  It is a learning experience.  Make it such; and enjoy the ride!

Step five: Here is the good news, if you remember to keep your focus on your kids like parents should and you add in the additional focus on relationship and find those times when you can play.. your relationship will get stronger because you are pushing boundaries and trying new things together.

Of course that is successful because you are talking, you are sharing, and you are keeping to the limits that you have established.  If you as the dominant decide to go out and pick up a second submissive, and your wife is against the idea – that is not communicating, it is not part of a healthy relationship; and it likely to cause trouble.  Now if your wife is into that, I say go for it!  Explore and push all those boundaries you can!

Prema Nocta

Keeping the theme of getting started with BDSM or a D/s relationship it seemed like a “First Night” post would be a good follow up to the “Beginner BDSM” post from a few days ago.  The idea again is to keep it simple and move forward at a pace that works for you.

As the dominant, you should:

  • Make a plan.  This does not have to be anything more than a basic outline of what you want to do and it should not be something complicated like using suspension.  Think about starting with something like:
    • 1:  Tie up submissive
    • 2.  Spank submissive
    • 3:  Use a toy on submissive
    • 4:  Blindfold submissive
    • 5:  Lay them down by the fire and make sweet sweet love (via Chef from South Park) or give them the good rough fuck they have wanted.
  • Share the plan with the submissive.  Maybe this is as basic as saying “I am going to spank you and tie you up tonight”.  If you are keeping it simple, there may not be much to discuss but more complex scenes will require discussion and planning between you and your submissive.  The good news is that those conversations will come naturally as your relationship progresses, so do not worry about that for now.  Just make sure you have a way to hold an open conversation.
  • Plan for the plan to fall apart!  You never know quite what is going to happen; sometimes things go amazingly well and you go a bit beyond the plan because both you and your submissive are excited.  Sometimes they go the opposite direction and you end up holding a crying partner.  Be ready for both and use the experience to help improve, refine, and get back at it the next time.

Now, let’s think about this from the submissive’s point of view:

  • Be open minded.  Remember that your Dominant will have your best interests in mind.  If they do not, then you should step back and evaluate if this is the right step in the relationship.  your Dominant should stay within your defined limits and be trying to escalate your pleasure through most of the night.
  • Ask questions.  Not every individual is great at laying out a plan or sharing.  Make sure you are getting the information you need.  I realize that not all relationships will allow this; but there should be some period of time where you can gain the information you want.  Perhaps during foreplay you can ask the right questions or “top from the bottom” enough to get what you need.
  • Get involved.  I know you are the submissive; but that does not mean you are a sack of potatoes.  Find a way to use your words as part of the play to help your Dominant tease and please you.  Just as they should when you are pleasing them.  Does that whip hurt, maybe they are hitting too hard, did your hand just go to sleep?  Make sure there is a way to communicate these things with your Dominant, just as you would want to communicate when something is pleasing “Ooooooohhhh, yessss!  Right there, Sir!!!!

The list here is short, after all it is the first shot at something new and exciting!  Remember to keep everyone safe and start watching your partner as you play.  You will pick up on their signals and learn to adjust to their needs which will improve the play that much more.

Lastly, remember that as people’s bodies come down from a heightened state they need care.  This might mean including in your plan to have some bottled water close at hand, a towel, or just holding them.  Preparation, communication, and aftercare are key parts of a successful prema nocta and all the play times after that.

The Seven Fundamentals of Being a Master

I came across this article on the fundamentals of being a Master. The article has some valid points although I disagree with several of the points such as having to attend a BDSM event.

You should not have to attend some gathering; but I do agree that you will get a good deal of value out of finding people you can learn from and talk with.

Reading, learning to use your tools/toys, and knowing what it means to be a master are all important. Finding the right mix of these fundamentals will be a personal choice.

Another good tool to learn how to be a master is learning a martial art. Instructors there will act like a D/s master in many ways.

Talking with your sub and becoming the master that is appropriate for both of you is the best way to set your own set of fundamentals.