Obedience

Obedient: Adjective

Complying or willing to comply with orders or requests; submissive to another’s will.

What does it mean to be obedient? i know that it is what i want to be; i know that i struggle with this at times and i know that it may be something i am not able to achieve for quite some time.  i think trust has a large part in being able to be obedient; i have to know that the standards and expectations that are being put in place for me are for my betterment, that should i fail to meet said expectations i will be held accountable for that but i also need to know that i will be accepted for my shortcomings, loved and encouraged to do better the next time.

When i feel secure in that trust and love i find it very simple to obey, but even when i feel unsure at the bottom of my pushing and questioning and doubt there is they deep underlying desire and need to please you and surrender myself to you; not because i feel you need to change me and hopefully not because you feel like you need to change me.  Rather, i feel like by surrendering, submitting, obeying, i am showing you how deep my love for you goes.  i will do whatever i can to obey you because you make me want to be the best person i can be.

i am not sure if this completely answers the question but i am not sure that it is a question that can fully be answered because i am still evolving into the person i long to be. Just know that my goal is to obey you to the best of my ability.

Your little b

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Trying to Get Caught Up

Whew!  i have been on a roller coaster of emotions and energy the last couple of weeks; first we were dealing with the flu and strep in our oldest child so that was about a week of tending to her needs and putting the Sixty Days of Submission and most of D/s on the back burner.  But once she was recovered and back at school i found myself having a very hard time getting back into our regularly scheduled program; i was really thriving on having a set task each day and because of our oldest being home i had to skip around on the list to find things i could do while having her home with me plus my energy was running very low so i had very little left to give to…well…anything.

So last week i found myself beginning to feel ambivalent towards it all; it didn’t seem like Sir was to concerned whether i was completing tasks or not (though i did have a couple of days where i didn’t get to eat lunch because i forgot to pack His) and i was frustrated with myself that i was forgetting to do things that were already a part of our daily routine (see above) and that stupid little voice of doubt started to creep back in and make me wonder why we were doing any of this; was i the only one who wanted it.

Once i had my pity party i started to reevaluate things and the conclusion i came to is, i do need this.  We were still doing things that made it clear that both of us want this dynamic and that i am much happier, much more connected and much more driven when i am feeling submissive.  But being submissive, being a wife and most of all being a mother is a game of balance and sometimes one role is going to be more prominent than others.  It doesn’t mean that being submissive comes first, it doesn’t mean that being a mom or a wife means i have to be less submissive.  It means i have to learn how to be able to shift between the roles and find the pockets that allow me to be all of those things in each one.

So while i have lost track of exactly what day we are on (it should be 39, technically i think we are about 10 days behind that) here are some of the items i was able to do on the list over the last few weeks: make bread in the bread maker (this was a lot of fun, very simple and i am planning on it becoming a weekly routine), write a blog post about what i can offer Sir (see February 25th for that), volunteer for community service once a month, Masturbate twice in a day but stopping before i came each time (that made for a very cranky day, paint my nails and make sure to maintain them from here on out (Sir is supposed to approve the color but we didn’t do that part).  i did fail to complete my task on Saturday, not for lack of want but i didn’t make time for it; i was supposed to write the word “submissive” on my left breast and post a picture of it so last night i found myself tied up and blindfolded while Sir wrote on both breasts for me.

We are going to have to do a little more shifting around over the next two weeks due to both children being home with me for Spring Break; several tasks i will not be able to complete while they are home but hopefully they can be replaced with others that will work.

His little b

Sweet Surrender

As You whispered into my ear i could feel myself getting lost in Your words, the deeper i went the more i began to let go.  As soon as i moved Your hand to my neck i knew i was finally there and for the first time i flew.  The tears that came were from the relief in knowing i could give myself to You and as we came together i savored that surrender.

Thank you, Sir.  i love You.

Your little b

Sixty Days of Submission-Days 20 and 21…and 18 because i forgot it the other day.

The last few days have been very busy and stressful for me; yesterday i spent six hours testing for my first degree black belt in the martial art that we practice (this was the fourth of five tests) and it takes a lot of mental and emotional preparation on top of the physical training that goes into it.  Going into the test i mentally likened it to my journey; emotionally and physically i am pushed beyond my limits and at times i feel as though i can go no further but in the end i come out feeling invigorated, sore and proud.

So my tasks the last few days have been fairly easy and for that i am thankful.  i realized late Friday night that i hadn’t posted about Day 18 because i had been so wrapped up in the aftermath of the following day.  So to bring you up to speed here are the last few days of the challenge.

Day 18:Admire yourself in the mirror and make a list of items that you like.  Failure to do so will result in having to write “i am a bad girl and did not do as Master commanded” 100 times, numbered, on lined paper then post a photo to Twitter with Master tagged in it.

So of course i wasn’t particularly thrilled with this task; physically there aren’t a ton of things i admire about myself but i was able to come up with about ten items which was more than i thought i would so that was good.

Day 20:Pack a lunch for Master each morning; if Master does not have a lunch then i do not get to eat lunch that day.

No problem here; i have been wanting to do this for him for a while so i welcomed the task.

Day 21:Order a new toy and use on yourself in front of me when it arrives (it arrives tomorrow).  Failure to do so results in two hours on the stool in the playroom/workroom with the lights out (there are no windows in there so it would be pitch black).

I will post more on the results of this once it arrives and has been used.

Now to go soak my weary muscles in the tub…hopefully Master comes to join me. 😉

His little b

Sixty Days of Submission-Day 19 and some soul searching.

A few years ago when i brought up the idea of shifting our relationship to one that is D/s in nature one of the driving desires behind it was to help me learn to give up my constant need to control every aspect of my life and to an extent; those around me.  i am a control freak; i know i have said this before. i crave routine, predictability, i like things to be exactly as I expect them to be and i get very frustrated and upset if things don’t follow my plans.  It has taken me a very long time to realize that by acting this way my unhappiness was not actually from things not going according to my plans but rather the fact that I didn’t allow myself to enjoy the journeys and unexpected joys that can come from plans going a different way.

As we have stated previously, this journey into D/s has not gone the way either of us had planned it to.  We have had to begin again several times, we have had to adjust and recreate rules and expectations and we have both had to make allowances for each other when our lives didn’t allow us to be where we wanted to be.  That part has been fine for me (other than my frustration with myself and my body when I wasn’t able to submit as fully as my heart wanted to) in fact it has probably been what has helped me realize that life cannot be planned out ahead of time; we can have ideas and work to the best of our ability to reach our goals but it’s not going to come quickly and it is not going to happen easily.

When Master presented me with the challenge of Sixty Days of Submission i was excited to get started; to me it was a true sign that we were both embracing this shift and while there were tasks on the list that i wasn’t thrilled about i was still open to giving them a try…i thought.

Then i would get to a day that presented me with one of those tasks i didn’t want to do and suddenly i found myself trying to decide whether it would be better to just take the punishment rather than do the task or if i could somehow convince Master to adjust things for my comfort.  If you have been reading along over the last two and a half weeks you know I have failed several times already, some we have had to adjust due to life but others were modified because i requested them to be and Master being the kind person he is allowed for that.

Yesterday’s task was the second one that i have had so far that i have not looked forward to.  It was to suck Master’s cock until he came and then swallow and thank him for the gift that he gave me; if i failed to do so i would have to watch him masturbate to porn.

Ironically, learning to swallow cum was on my list of personal goals for the year.  i love to suck his cock but I have a strong gag reflex and i have only been able to do this once in the seventeen years we have been together and it didn’t end well.  When i put it on my list of goals my thought was that it would be a gradual process, perhaps getting him to the point of cuming and letting it go on my lips, then eventually in my mouth but not swallowing and then at some point being able to swallow.  i figured it would be a yearlong “let’s try it and see what happens” kind of thing but as Master said yesterday, “It’s not really a gradual process”.  i was faced with a dilemma here; I knew that i didn’t want the punishment because ihave issues with porn (i will save that for another post) and i knew that having to sit and watch that would be probably as bad as having to be in the dog cage for me.  So i tried to get Master to let me just go with cuming in my mouth but being able to spit it out.  He agreed and all seemed okay.

Until later in the day when i was having my meditation time; it was right then that i realized that i was doing exactly what i didn’t want to be doing and that was controlling the situation.  i know that being submissive doesn’t mean being a doormat, i know that there is room for discussion, but it really hit me that this is one of those instances where A)i am having to move out of my comfort zone and that is what i wanted and B)This isn’t about me, the point of all of this, the thing i wanted to get out of this was to put Master’s needs before my own and to please him.  By changing the situation i am pleasing ME not HIM.

And so i sent him a text saying that i wanted to go ahead and do the task as written because it was the right way to do it. Then life got in the way and it wasn’t until later in the evening that we would have had a chance to complete the task.  But as we were getting ready to shower, Master was taking care of something in our bathroom; something minor but something that would have been done a lot faster had i helped.  But it wasn’t really in my mind; it didn’t seem like that big of a deal until he said something at which point I got sassy and joked about my helping making such a big deal.  No biggie until he said half-jokingly, “You don’t have a submissive bone in your body”.

Ouch.

Here’s the thing; part of me knew he was joking but that little voice of doubt that I keep trying to push away came back.  Maybe i wasn’t doing as good of a job submitting as i thought i was, i thought i had been doing a better job of making sure his needs were met.  But did he say that because it was truly how he felt? Did he not know how happy and at peace i have been over the last few years, even more so over the last several months because I finally feel like i am becoming the person i have wanted to be for so long? That finally i realize that my kinky and submissive desires are not a bad thing but ones that have made me feel more connected and loved than I have ever felt before?

What it gets down to is that stupid need for control.  Giving up control allows for submission, being in a place of submission allows you to see things that need to be attended to without being asked. My unsettled feeling about trying to control yesterday led to me being more defensive about something minor last night but if i were more submissive i would have stepped in and helped without being asked. Maybe he’s right; maybe i don’t have a submissive bone in my body.  If I don’t have one now; i want to…i’ve always wanted to and i want him to be the one to guide me to that place.  Needless to say; yesterday’s task was not completed and so I have a punishment to serve.  Yesterday i would have tried to debate this; I would have said that due to the way the day ended i didn’t have the chance to complete it.  But today; i accept my punishment and know that while it will pain me to do so it will help me get that much closer to where i want to be. i am humbled and at peace this morning.

His little b

Sixty Days of Submission-Days 11-14

It’s been a little busy around here and the last couple of tasks were kind of smallish so there wasn’t a lot for me to talk about.

Day 11:Write an erotic story or blog post weekly; write a story at least every other week.  Punishment will be wearing underwear for a week.

So, this task has been modified slightly after some discussion with Master; i find it difficult to write “fantasies” let alone share them for all the world to see.  From stories that i have read there doesn’t seem to be a lot of variation (perhaps i am looking in the wrong places) and so trying to come up with original thought every other week was daunting at least at this time.  So Master agreed to let me try writing stories but only sharing them with Him.

Day 12: Create a “Sir Do” list of tasks around the house including items i wish to purchase and we will discuss.  Failure to make a list results in Master enjoying all of 2015 without any tasks to complete.

It’s a short list though He has said that it can be added onto as the year progresses and obviously not everything on the list will be possible this year; i am okay with that.

Then came yesterday, Day 13.  i feel as though i should have just taken the punishment instead of the task because the task was actually worse…well, part of it anyway.

Go to Fifty Shades of Grey in a skirt, play with yourself during the movie and let Me taste your fingers from time to time. Punishment will be writing a 100-150 word essay as to how you disobeyed; publish to the blog.

If only He had picked any other movie…ANY other movie i would have been fine with it but sitting through that trainwreck was two hours of my life that i can’t get back.  i did take satisfaction knowing that we were probably the only ones sitting in that theatre that knew that it was not an accurate portrayal of what a D/s relationship was like.

But today’s task made up for it, Day 14:Make Valentine’s Day special for our children or see the sad looks on their faces as the holiday passes by without any joy.

Master and i decorated the house with streamers and balloons for our children to wake up to; we made pink heart pancakes along with donuts and chocolate milk served in wine glasses. They were so excited about it all which made my heart so very happy.  i am not a big fan of this “holiday” because i feel that love should be expressed everyday and not through materialistic goods but the joy that our children felt today was the best gift ever!

i am at my happiest when i know that those i love are being cared for by me; it is when i truly feel connected to my submissiveness and i embrace it that much more.  From here on out; i think that is the approach i am going to take to Valentine’s Day because it is the gift i want the most.

His little b

Sixty Days of Submission-Days 9 and 10

Yesterday was a two for one deal since Master worked from home on Monday.

Day 9: I will let you know when I am leaving work and when I reach the exit from the highway.  You will ensure that you have showered and make yourself presentable after the day of taking care of the home.  A glass of water and the mail will be placed at my spot at the table.  If home alone, you will kneel next to my chair naked; if the children are home you will wait by the counter to welcome me. One stroke for failing to ensure your body is clean and prepared for my use.One stroke for failing to have a glass of water ready.One stroke for the mail not being in the appropriate place.One stroke for each article of clothing you are wearing if home alone.One stroke if you are not standing at the island waiting for me if family or friends are there.

This task is not a new one for me; we began this routine about a month ago but it is a good reminder for me to be prepared for Master when He arrives home.

Day 10: At the concert, wear the vibrating kegel balls while I use the remote. Punishment will be spending a night in the dog cage without a pillow.

You can be absolutely certain i was not going to argue with this one.  The Kegel balls weren’t so much balls but rather a vibrating/rotating plug and initially when i put it in i wasn’t feeling a whole lot; later i discovered that there were different settings and Master got a great deal of pleasure playing with them and watching my reactions.  We were with friends and so that made things interesting for me trying to keep my reactions as controlled as i could but there were a few times i thought i was going to lose it (in a good way). i actually found myself disappointed towards the end of the night because the battery ran down so i would say that the experience was a success.

It was a great evening.

His little b